Angry. Confused. Misunderstood. Scared.

Today I need to use my blog as a proverbial head banging against a brick wall. Why do I want to violenty bash my head against a solid wall? Because I am angry, confused and misunderstood about who I am.

I am angry at the fact that I was born as I bisexual male. I don’t quite know who I am angry with… God? Biology? Nurture? I don’t know but which ever it is needs to know that I am damn angry. I long to be one of them. You know, one of them – the lads that have the girls flocking after them. The lads who play football. The lads who go to the club at the weekend and are guaranteed to get a shag. I am angry because I am not one of these people and I was born with a desire for both male and females. I am angry because some days I want to be with a woman and some days I want to be with a man. However, I get damn horny and when I get damn horny it is my desire for sex that takes over, my sex drive, well, drives me. I then get into a situation with a bloke and relieve my sexual tension but, afterwards, I realise that I did not enjoy it that much. Why? I am so angry at this. Sometimes I want to settle down with a woman, get married, have children and be comfortable in my family. But I am angry. If I married a woman and settled down would I always have a desire for a man. Being bisexual is a painful place to be in, for me and I would give everything over, to have it removed.

I am confused. The whole damn thing confuses me. What do I do? I feel that the only way that I can explore who I am is to basically ‘come out’, to tell my friends and family so that I can then create a framework whereby I can experience my feelings. I am confused because if I ‘come out’ I then define who I am, at least to those around me, they will put a label on me when my exploration may lead me to realise that I am actually not bi, or gay, or whatever. If I dont ‘come out’ though I wont feel like I can experience these thoughts / these feelings because I will always live in fear and perhaps this will lead me to continue sexual exploration like I did the other day – in a trainstation toilet. I don’t want that. I want to experience what it is like to love a man. I will not find a man to love ‘undercover’. I am confused.

I am misunderstood. It is not as easy to say ‘come out’ and get on with it. My mates won’t understand and I will be the subject of their jokes. My parents and family will not be surprised but how would it make my family feel? How would it make my little sister feel, who is 14? How will it affect her? I don’t want it to affect her for the negative. I am misunderstood because those around me will question why I have chosen that form of lifestyle, some will even think that homosexual practice is disgusting. I will disgust some people.  People will not understand. I can’t explain the fact that this is not something that I chose, it was something that I was borne with. People around me will not ‘get it’. I will be misunderstood.

I spend so much time thinking about my sexuality, it consumes me, I can’t stop thinking about it. Why? Because I do not know what the future holds for me.

I am scared of spending the rest of my life on my own. I have so much love to give. I desperately desire love from someone special. I am scared of a life with bi-sexuality.

And the tears fell…

My mind is full. I have so much to digest and put in this blog, but some of it still needs digesting. I would like to talk about my last post: Animal Instinct & Illicit encounters, this was an exciting ‘moment’ for me but it made me think and there were some comments that were helpful, which I am still reflecting on. When things are clearer in my own mind I will post. I also want to tell you about a guy who was on my msn list, I havent spoken to him on msn for ages. I said hello to him this weekend, turns out he is bisexual. An interesting conversations was had and a possible drink lined up. Again, I will blog more about this later this week. There is something that I want to focus on right now.

As I have memtioned before I am only ‘out’ to a few people. I suppose my blog is heavily orientated towards my passion for men because, in some sense, this is my only outlet for that passion. I do love women but with both men and women I have very high standards as to what I like / want – this is not arrogance it is more unfortunate. I can’t help it.

Anyway, as I have started this blog it has led me to gain a greater understanding of who I am. I have struggled with feelings for the same sex for some time. I have never understood this as bisexuality until now and although I am not ‘out’ I am so proud of who I am and coming ‘out’ is only a matter of time. I am wanting to explore more about ‘me’ before I come out. I want to know more about bisexuality from a personal, psychological and societal point of view so that when those around me ask I am more equipped to answer.

I am spending a lot of time online reading other people’s experiences, reading about bisexuality from every point of view stated above. However, the more I read the more passionate I get. Let me reiterate, I am so proud of who I am. But everywhere I look online it seems that society is more accepting of homosexuality than they are of bisexuality, bisexuality being deemed to be a transitional stage towards an understanding that you are in fact gay. How wrong could this possible be and how naive? What strikes me is that people are trying to understand bisexuality from a hetrosexual perspective and quite frankly, it’s not possible.

Despite homosexuality being accepted, it is only to a degree. Homosexuality and bisexuality are deemed as being inferior to hetrosexuality – we all know that! I am passionate about people being free to explore their sexuality without being considered a minority and this makes me so sad. It makes me so sad that in today’s society we are fighting for equality of sexuality rather than being considered of equal worth and value. I can’t tell you how I get so hurt by this.

My online searching led to me viewing a video by a gay teenager, C.J., who was bulllied at his school. This bullying eventually led to an event that ended up with him getting arrested (for doing nothing wrong) rather than those who bullied him getting arrested. C.J., has produced a small video about his experience and as I watched it the tears fell. Passion was rising in me, a passion to see homosexuality and bisexuality viewed as equal as hetrosexuality.

Please take a look at this video clip: http://www.current.tv/make/vc2/sot (Look at the bottom images and clik on the last image, on the righ hand side called ‘We belong’.

The title of this film is as passionate as the content, ‘We belong’. My tears were falling because in a 21st Century society there is a request from a 16 year old male that society sees him as belonging too. I can’t understand this. In the majority we have got rid of slavery, in the majority women are viewed as equal (more so now than historically) and yet people who are trying to understand their sexuality are considered as being of less worth than those who are straight. What a sad world we live in. I am not really into gay pride or bisexual pride. I dont want to go on any gay marches and I am not really interested in heading to gay bars and clubs. Whilst I appreciate that it is important to protest and be proud, whilst it is important for people of like minds to meet, I believe that the more homosexual and bisexual people meet together in groups, as outcasts, then the further we push ourselves down the road towards securing our place in society as a minority.

The tears are falling because I am passionate about fighting a battle that in the 21st Century is a battle that should have already been fought and won.

Changing my feed

I am changing my feed to this site to: http://feeds.feedburner.com/FluidSexuality

If you have a feed to this site please change it to the above.

I am hoping that this will enable me to get allow Fluid Sexuality to be accessed by a wider group of people. Basically, so that I have more input and therefore I can learn more!

Animal instinct & illicit encounters

Last night I talked about how I was bored of pornography, how I wanted something more. I have also mentioned in this blog of how I am sick of one night stands, that I want something more. Today I learnt that the human mind is fickle and sometimes you just have to go with what you have to go with.

Okay. Picture this. So, here is me. (You dont know who me is. erm. about 6 foot. Blonde hair. blue eyes. Sexy body. Big cock – you got it?!) Picture me again. I am standing at a train station somewhere in the World. I had just been to the toilet and I was standing outside of the toilet pretty much wondering what to do with myself as I had to wait another half hour. I was standing, pondering what to do with my time (Should it be a Big Mac or should it be a beer?) when my eye caught a beautiful figure of a man. He was in his twenty’s. He was tall and had an athletic body. He was wearing baggy jeans and a baggy jumper. He had a rough looking face, but sexy rough, manly rough and I was in awe. He was walking towards me, not looking at my at all. His body oozed confidence. He had a magnetic attraction. What happened next astounded me and I dont quite now how it unfolded but I will convey the following events as best as I can. This man walked straight past me but it was as though his body was urging me to follow him. Remember we hadnt looked at each other, no signal, no words. It was as though our bodies were just pulling on each other, pulling to be close. Fuck it. I followed this guy into the toilet. We both stood at the urinal and my heart was pounding. I was wondering what the heck I was doing here. I knew that I wanted this guy but I didn’t know whether he wanted me. I didnt know how this would move forward. My heart still raced. I was excited. I was damn scared.

This man walked into a cubicle with the door unlocked and left slightly open. Damn. Did he notice that I had looked at his cock? Was he annoyed? Was he just going for a pee and then he would be out. Would he wait outside the toilets to beat me up. The urge of our bodies said different. What if I followed him in and got punched. I wasnt sure about toilet fucking etiquette but I still felt his body urge mine closer, in the same way that the sun draws my body to it’s enticing rays. I was entranced. Something came over me. I followed him in. No sooner had I walked in the door was locked behind me. His face was close to mine and he started kissing me neck. I melted. He was kissing my face, my cheeks as his hands went up my jumper and he felt his way around my body. I froze. I knew I had to get into this. I knew I wanted it. Still no words. I put one hand on the side of his face and pulled his lips close to mine. People were talking. I couldnt hear them. I was lost. We kissed passionately, his hands exploring my body. My hands were on his firm ass, pulling him closer. Our bodies were communicating in a language that I am only beginning to understand.

He undid my belt as he gazed into my eyes. My jeans were by my ankles. My dick was not only hard, but throbbing. This beautiful man started kissing my chest, moving on to my stomach and stopped at my cock. He was kissing and licking my cock before he took my cock into his mouth. He was pushing my cock deeper into him. He was wanting me to deep throat him as he pulled my body closer to him. The feeling was intense. The feeling was insane. Here was me, in a public place getting a blow job by a guy I haven’t even spoke to. A beautiful guy. His tongue was exploring my cock like the tongue of a choco-holic as it explores a chocolate lolly-ice. With every lick my body trembled. Once again he took his cock deep into his mouth and my body tensed, we both knew what was coming and he got himself in position. His hands were wanking my cock. His mouth was just below my cock. He was waiting for my cum to be released. I wanted this moment to last but literally couldnt hold any longer. I came. I came all over this guys lips and as soon as I did his tongue was licking the cum from the tip of my cock and the smile on his face was as those he was licking the sweetest honey produced by the finest bees. It was amazing.

As soon as he finished licking up my cum the door was opened and he was gone.

I closed the door behind him. Locked it. I sat down. My head was rushing. That was the scariest and yet most exciting experience of my life. I didnt know his name. No words were said. Our bodies spoke. I was sad that he was gone.

Back to the title of this post:

Animal instinct

I was amazed how this encounter had happened. There were no signals, no signs. It was though our bodies wanted to me and they had too. Our bodies had to encounter one another and my logic and reason was forced into second place. This is not like me. Well, it is not like me right now when I long for that someone to be with, when I am bored of porn and one night stands. It is not me. But, for this moment in time, it was me. It was animal instinct.

Illicit encounters

There are many questions rushing through my mind. Was this wrong? Was what I did immoral? Is it dirty? Am I know some pervert who engages in dirty toilet sex? It sounds wrong. But something happened, it was so natural. Is this any different to a guy meeting a girl in a nightclub, taking her home and fucking her senseless? The atraction is there and you just go for it. Is this the same, or is it different? I dont know.

I enjoyed this encounter very much, in fact I have jerked off on it again since I got back. However, there are now so many questions that I will be asking myself. I think this blog may just get slightly more interesting!

An update: coming out

I haven’t written much about ‘coming out’ this is something that I want to do, just to make my life easier, despite the fact that I dont know what I am ‘coming out’ as.

Do you remember ‘M’ from my post entitled ‘Forbidden Feelings’ – he is the hot guy that some people think are geeky but I just want to go down on. I basically told ‘M’ that I was bisexual. He was cool with it, he said that it didn’t bother him and we have even sent a few flirty text to each other! Well, my text to him may be simply annoying but he hasn’t got the heart to say. His texts to me may simply be him messing around, but still, I would like to view them as flirty text, for now.

So, ‘M’ knows. One of my brothers already knew and I even e-mailed my sister this week to tell her and she e-mailed back to say ‘I dont care what your sexuality is, your still my brother and I will support you 100%’.

This ‘coming out’ thing is quite fun. If am honest, as I have told people, a small amount of people, I feel empowered. I feel like I dont have to hide who are what I am. I am actually comfortable being bi. I am more comfortable than I ever have been.

I will keep you posted!