I don’t want sex. I crave intimacy.

Every morning I wake up with the same nothingness deep inside of me. It is a feeling of being empty. It feels like there is something missing. The equivalent would be a jigsaw without the final piece, a day without the sun, a child without a smile, a house without a home. This nothingness is very raw and it’s very real it is a yearning, it is a longing, it is a needing. I feel it every morning when I wake up. It makes it’s self known when I am trying to work and it bangs loudly, heavily and coldly each night as I try to fall asleep, as I try to forget. I long for intimacy.

Sex would not do it right now. The act of sex of course can be intimate with the right connection but I crave more than that right now. God it hurts. I long to wake up next to that special person, male or female. I imagine my lying on my bed, facing outwards with that special someone snuggled up behind me, their hand is across my stomach, my hand lays gently over theirs. A union. Sometimes I cry so much because I want this and often I wonder whether I will ever have it.

To be honest, right now, I want it with a guy. It wouldnt bother me if we didnt have sex. I just want to be his and for him to be mine, just for now. I am yearning to spend my day with him to get into his mind, for him to get into my heart. But, I am distressed, I wonder whether it will ever happen.

The sort of guys that I am into are guys who would make jokes about ‘gays’, they are strong, they have girlfriends, they look cool and stylish and funky, they speak of strength and ooze confidence. I see them. They wrap their arms around their girlfriends, who look up to their tower of strength adoringly. Fuck. How I long to look up to a tower of strength who will want to be my armour.

I don’t know whether this will ever happen. But my heart cries out, painfully for something more than I have right now.