A vision of the future through the pain of the past?

Young people don’t give a fuck! Well, technically they do – they give a damn about many things but they dont necessarily have hang-ups about aspects of life that an older generation may have had problems with. I would guess that young people are rebelling from the bondage of the past that kept their parents in slavery and they are walking into a new future. Historically, the morals and values of society were based upon Christian principles. Christianity believes that homosexuality is a sin. Many gay / bi-sexual men moved into marriages and tried to deny their sexuality, for the sake of what they believed was right. Stigma about homosexuality and bisexuality grew so that those who chose to come ‘out’ were percieved as inferior. Ironically, for many gay / bisexual men and women they exchanged who they were in order to live out traditional family values – but was this fake, forced, not real? Today, where do we stand? Young people have exchanged ‘family values’ for community values. There is a hell of a lot of rebellion going on. Young people are turning away from their parents with their traditional family values and they see hypocrisy so they turn to their friends. Young people build bonds with their friends that are deeper than those that they have with their family. With regards to sexuality teenagers are happy to explore, without the Christian morals that state that homosexuality is wrong. In fact, as Christianity loses it’s hold over society I believe that we will see a generation rise who will explore their sexuality without concern and without labelling themselves – homosexual / bisexual / hetrosexual.

A book has been written that looks at some of the development of sexual orientation amongst young people;

The New Gay Teenager Ritch C. Savin-Williams

2005 Distinguished Book Award from the American Psychological Association Division 44

Gay, straight, bisexual: how much does sexual orientation matter to a teenager’s mental health or sense of identity? In this down-to-earth book, filled with the voices of young people speaking for themselves, Ritch Savin-Williams argues that the standard image of gay youth presented by mental health researchers–as depressed, isolated, drug-dependent, even suicidal–may have been exaggerated even twenty years ago, and is far from accurate today.

The New Gay Teenager gives us a refreshing and frequently controversial introduction to confident, competent, upbeat teenagers with same-sex desires, who worry more about the chemistry test or their curfew than they do about their sexuality. What does “gay” mean, when some adolescents who have had sexual encounters with those of their own sex don’t consider themselves gay, when some who consider themselves gay have had sex with the opposite sex, and when many have never had sex at all? What counts as “having sex,” anyway? Teenagers (unlike social science researchers) are not especially interested in neatly categorizing their sexual orientation.

In fact, Savin-Williams learns, teenagers may think a lot about sex, but they don’t think that sexuality is the most important thing about them. And adults, he advises, shouldn’t think so either.

(Source: http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog/SAVNEW.html)

In contrast there was the recent story of Church leader, Ted Haggard who was removed from Church leadership because of an encounter with a male prostitute. A second Church leader has now been removed from Church leadership because of male sexual encounters, he has stated that he has struggled with his sexuality since he was 5 years old:

ENGLEWOOD, Colo. — The founding pastor of a second Colorado church has resigned over gay sex allegations, just weeks after the evangelical community was shaken by the scandal surrounding megachurch leader Ted Haggard.

Haggard, a gay-marriage opponent, admitted to unspecified “sexual immorality” when he resigned last month as president of the National Association of Evangelicals and pastor of the 14,000-member New Life Church in Colorado Springs. A male prostitute had said he had had sex with Haggard for three years.

On Sunday, Paul Barnes, founding pastor of the 2,100-member Grace Chapel in this Denver suburb, told his evangelical congregation in a videotaped message he had had sexual relations with other men and was stepping down.

Dave Palmer, associate pastor of Grace Chapel, told The Denver Post that Barnes confessed to him after the church received a call last week.

The church board of elders accepted Barnes’ resignation on Thursday.

On the videotape, which The Post was allowed to view, Barnes told church members: “I have struggled with homosexuality since I was a 5-year-old boy. … I can’t tell you the number of nights I have cried myself to sleep, begging God to take this away.”

Barnes, 54, led Grace Chapel for 28 years. He and his wife have two adult children.

Palmer said in a written statement that “While we cannot condone what he has done, we continue to support and love Paul.” (AP)

Source: (http://www.planetout.com/news/article.html?date=2006/12/11/4&navpath=/news)

This sadens me greatly. Of course we can state how this man was in the wrong, to have a gay affair. We can talk about how his he may have been hypocritical in his preaching and practice. Nevertheless, he felt that he had to repress who he was because of his beliefs and the beliefs of those around him and this is sad.

So, a look at the future? Will young people throw off Christian morals and traditional family values in an exploration towards who they really are? Will Christianity, or religion, survive in such an environemt? Only time will tell. The one thing that I am certain of is that young people are being bold enough to throw off prejudice and judgement and my hope is that this will lead to less pain through failed marriages and disappointment for those who have to look upon the ‘fallen’.

Could you be the most beautiful boy in the world?

I get worried about what people think of my blog, about what I write. I have realised that I get too worried about this, it’s my blog, not yours. So, fuck it, here goes…

What have I done today? I have thought about Al. I have text Al. I have e-mailed Al. I have even spoke to Al on the ‘phone.  I am absolutely head over heels completely crazy about this boy. I have no idea where it is going to go, or where it is heading but all I can tell you is that I am the happiest that I have ever felt in a long time and it is all because of this boy, Al. I had no idea that one little comment could lead to this, to all of this and there are feelings hitting my body that I can’t even describe.

It’s fast. It’s raw. It’s alive. It’s real.

I am elated. I am joyous. I am wanting to cry. I am wanting to laugh. I am wanting to shout. I am wanting to scream. I am wanting to tell the world that I am bisexual. I am wanting to jump from a very high height. I am wanting to swim the widest ocean. I am wanting to walk the most deserted desert. I am wanting to be the very best that I possibly can be.

Why, all because of this boy.

To speak to Al was fantastic. Al is articulate. Al is cute. Al is funny. Al is intelligent. Al has dreams. Al has passion. It was just so easy to talk to him, far too easy. I was on the bus and even missed my bus stop because I was deep in conversation. Most of all Al is real, he is very real.

Al is an incredible guy, in the most simplest way and I am so pleased that fate would have us bump into each other online.

I dont know where this will go. I dont really know whether Al is attracted to me (as much as someone think they can be from images, text and ‘phone calls). I dont know many things and some of these things scare me. But, I have never experienced such an exciting scary-ness, in my life.

Right now I feel entirely humbled and I am so honoured to be in that place.

Thank you Al.

Not all in Hollywood ends so well.

Firstly a huge thank you to all those who have e-mailed me to congratulate me on being brave enough to throw out ‘the challenge’. Thank you for your offers of dates too . A number of people have mentioned how this challenge was of Hollywood proportions, some say even better. I have been thinking alot today about how not all Hollywood movies end so well. There are lots of questions in my mind: What if Al and I don’t get on? What if Al does not find me attractive? What if he did find me attractive, what then? What if I fell for a guy and knew that a relationship with him was out of the question? That would be the worst of all. Many good Hollywood films have unpredictable endings, they twist and turn and grab the audience by suprise. Both Al and I are audience’s of this movie too and personally I am damn scared about the ending one way or the other. I am trying not to think about it. We are just friends. That is it. (edit @ 18.23pm: No, that’s not it. I am falling for a guy and I am scared of falling deeper any deeper than where I am now.)

Moving on, as I attempt to try and forget about this little drama this weekend and lighten up this blog, just a tad. It was suggested to me by Mark from Defending the Raven that I wrote about which male and female celebrities I found attractive, Mark commented to this effect right here.  So, in keeping with the Hollywood film I will go for two males and two females who I particularly like.

I want you to remember, as you get to know me, that the biggest turn on for me is the mind, male or female. If a person’s mind can get me going with good conversation, no matter how they look, I could practically cum in my pants as we engage in debate and informative conversation – this does it for me. But there are other forms of the attractions of the mind, for me. Just remember that.

Two boys:

Ok, again, another lesson of the Fluid Sexuality variety. My passion, generally, for blokes is about strength – this could be both physical strength or strength of mind. I love them both.

Boy Number One: David Beckham

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I love a number of things about Beckham. I love the strength of his body. I love his style. I love the way he can have a million different hairstyles and each style suits him. I love Beckham’s business mind – he hasn’t become a global brand by being thick. I think he is amazing and I would do pretty much anything to jump in the sack with him!

Boy Number Two: Matt Damon

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I think Matt Damon is physically fit and that makes me go ‘wow’. I love Damon’s acting ability, it’s fantastic. However, I particularly love Damon in the film ‘Beautiful Mind’ (edit: @ 19.43 this film was actually ‘Good Will Hunting’ as pointed out by Al. My obsession with minds was clearly on my own mind!) Damon plays this really intelligent guy who initially is a school cleaner because he has no belief in himself. I love him in that role. I love his mind in that role! Oh my gosh, I think I am wet. I need to move on…

I have just realised, I love rugged faces on guy.

Two girls:

With girls it is very different, I love girly girls who have a strong mind. I love girls who I can hold in my arms, to wrap my arms around them, for me to be their strength. The two particular girls who make me go wild are:

Girl Number One: Ashlee Simpson

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Ashlee is amazing. She is cute. She is hot. She is a fantastic actress… enough said!

Girl Number Two: Vanessa Mae

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For those of you who don’t know Mae, she is an incredibly talented violinist. She is sexy. She is steamy and she plays the violin incredibly. Music is a big thing for me and I love creative, musical minds. I would love to sit and talk to her for hours and the violin is just a turn on. I swear, if played right, I could reach orgasm just by the sound of the violin.

I have just realised, I love the softness of girls.

So, guys and girls, it’s over to you. Who are your hottest Hollywood celebrities?

He said yes.

I offered a challenged. Al said yes. Read Al’s reply here.

I have read his reply about a billion times (okay, exaggerated to make a point).

I am trying to find the words to tell you exactly how I feel right now. I can’t. Sometimes, just somtimes a feeling goes on inside your body that words fail to describe…

Dear Al: A challenge & end of chapter.

Dear Al,

You know, I have been at the gym all afternoon, my head has been full and I need to end this, in my own mind at least.

During our past few posts & comments there has been some playful flirting. I have enjoyed it. Thank you.

However, the deal is, when I made that comment about kissing you, I made it as I was thinking about you, personally. I was thinking about my lips caressing yours. I was thinking about our tongues dancing together. I was thinking about my hand gently touching the side of your face as time stood still and we got lost in one another, no maps, no compass just exploration. It was you, in my mind, as I wrote it.

Okay so it’s a bit forward to say that I want that kiss to happen in real life and I would never ever push for that. However, I would love to meet up with you, to take you out for a meal. I would love to talk to you. I would love to learn from you.

So, here is my offer. At any point in time, from now until the end of time, my offer is that I will meet you anywhere in England and pay for a meal, for us both.  This would be a public place and once the meal is over we both say goodbye. This is my offer to you. I dont expect a comment. I dont expect a reply. This is a challenge that I mean but it signifys an end of chapter for me. I have to throw a line out in the water, see if there is a bite and if not, let it go. I am scared about doing this and doing it so publically but, it is something that I have to do.

There is no pressure, as always, just admiration.

Scotty,

AKA Fluid Sexuality.

Well, you see, there is this boy…

At the moment I am 100% confused. Imagine taking out your brain, having it thrown around like a rugby ball and then afterwards a spin in the dryer and then putting it back in your head. Have you grasped as much as you possibly can how that would feel? You have. Well thats pretty similar to where my head is at right now!

Okay, to tell the story. I started this blog after coming across the superb blog of another bloke, in his twenties, Al from BiJourney. As I read more and more of Al’s blog I just started to really enjoy his mind. I wondered what Al would be like. I wondered what it would be like to sit down and have a meal with him. I wondered how exciting it would be to get into Al’s mind. To hear his thoughts. To hear his dreams. To hear his passion. To hear his desires. I simply dreamed about this. This is a random feeling, it is not that I am thinking that I want to get into Al’s pants, it’s well, more than that, I want to get into his mind. I want to get to know him. To respect him. To be a strength for him. And if something happened out of that it would only be the ice on the cake, it would be the unexpectedly winning the lottery feeling, it would be the surprise Nintendo Wii console in my Santa sack this Christmas, it would be all that and more.

I continued to enjoy Al’s blog and was mesmorised by the innocence of a picture of himself that he posted, entitled ‘Exploring’. The innocence of this picture was beautiful to me.

I was hooked. I loved the mind and the more that Al shared of his own experience, of his past and a little bit of his life story the more I was both intrigued, amazed and happy.

Let’s speed up to yesterday. Al posts a blog called, Growing out of homophobia, which I replied to saying;

“Please allow our lips to tenderly touch as my hand gently holds the side of your face, my tongue slides in and explores you intimately, delicately and passionately… you may like it

This was good stuff Al.”

Well Al’s response took me by surpise. Al’s initial response went along the lines of;

“Oh my god! That comment actually made me go weak at the knees. No guy has ever done that to me before. And certainly nobody I’ve never met. How the hell did you do that?”

According to Al, this was only the start of the effect that this little comment had on him and a full blog was posted on by Al as a response to these comments, this post was called Spellbound by a Comment.

This made me feel really fuzzy inside, the fact that I could have this affect on someone. Of course I realise that it was simply the comment that had an affect on Al, not me, because he doesnt know me. As far as I know Al hasn’t got into my mind through reading my blogs, in the same way that I have been in awe at his comments.

So, the confusion. I doubt anything will happen between myself and Al. As far as I know Al I respect him. I would love to go for a meal with Al and just talk and talk and talk. I would love it! However, I understand that there are too many factors at play that will hinder seeing this happen.

However, I wonder, in general. Is it possible to meet someone online, have feelings for them and for that to actually develop into something in real life? Is it even right to take things further with someone you have met online? I know heaps of people who have met people on the likes of MySpace and have met up with them in person. But is it worth it? Is it different in a gay / bisexual situation? I know that people can come across how they want to online – is it actually worth wondering whether something could happen with a certain person or is it best to just put it out of your mind? I dont know.

For now, with Al, I think he is great. I shall be following his blog. This post of mine is an attempt to convey my confusion and the fact that my mind was spinning all yesterday evening, all night (I couldn’t sleep!) and once again this morning. This is not an attempt at a subtle message to Al. He knows how I feel. And this certainly isn’t a Lonelygirl15 staged and scripted online scenario in order to gain more hits to the blog. Something, literally, just happened. Whatever it is that happened I will never know but it was a moment that I enjoyed.

Being the master of my sex drive.

On the 1st December I wrote a blog that kicked up a bit of a fuss, the blog was entitled, ‘Animal Insitinct & Illicit Encounters’ . This blog explained a sexual encounter with a guy, that I recently had in a public toilet. One particular response from ‘DJRAPTURE’ challenged me and led me to think a hell of a lot over the past few days, thinking about my actions.

I will be honest, the encounter that I had was exciting, it was passionate, it was thrilling and I damn well enjoyed it despite the fact that the context of the enounter i.e. a public toilet was not the most romantic. However, DJRAPTURE got me thinking about a number of things:

Thing I was made to think about number one:

A few days before the ‘encounter’ post I wrote a post about how I am looking for intimacy, about how I dream of a relationship that is fuelled by love, intimacy and respect. I was forced to wonder whether this encounter, which was basically about me being the slave to my sex drive, was in the best interests of both myself and that future person. Was I really respecting myself, despite the fact that I enjoyed it? If I am really honest with myself I wasn’t respecting myself. Yeah it was a quick, exciting, passionate encounter but was it in my best interest? No. I don’t think it was. I dont want to be someone who is ruled by my sex drive. I want to be ruled by a desire to pleased my partner, in every way possible. I appreciate that we have our own sexual needs, our own sexual desires and sometimes we just get so damn horny but I believe that true love is all about loving each other and meeting each others needs, as this takes place our own sexual desires are met. THAT is what I am after.

Thing I was made to think about number two:

I risked my health. I have no idea what std’s this guy could have had. Was the few minutes of excitement really worth risking the future of my health? No.

Thing I was made to think about number three:

I am just starting to understand and explore my sexuality. I could not help thinking how I would respond if a bisexual guy came to me and explained to me that he had the encounter that I did. How would I respond? You see, it is easy to convince myself that the encounter was okay because the guy was damn hot and because it was sexually satisfying. But the truth is that if a guy came to me saying that he had done what I had done I would encourage him not to do it again and indeed I would aim to inspire him to explore his sexuality in the context of a loving relationship.

I have no idea what could have happened. This guy could have raped me, abused me, he could have done any number of un-nice things and I wouldn’t want anyone to risk themselves in this way.

My conclusion is that I want to work on being the best person that I can be, both for myself and for who-ever that is who I end up with. I now understand that sometimes this means putting guidelines on your own life so that you all aspects of your life are happy and healthy, not simply so that you can have exciting sex.

So, lesson is learn’t. I am going to work on being the master of my sex drive. I am not saying that this would not happen again, I am a human being. I am going to work hard at this not happening again. I am also inclined to say that there are some envinroments that are healthy where people can explore their festishes, their sex and their desires but a public toilet with a random guy is probably not the best way to explore this.

Angry. Confused. Misunderstood. Scared.

Today I need to use my blog as a proverbial head banging against a brick wall. Why do I want to violenty bash my head against a solid wall? Because I am angry, confused and misunderstood about who I am.

I am angry at the fact that I was born as I bisexual male. I don’t quite know who I am angry with… God? Biology? Nurture? I don’t know but which ever it is needs to know that I am damn angry. I long to be one of them. You know, one of them – the lads that have the girls flocking after them. The lads who play football. The lads who go to the club at the weekend and are guaranteed to get a shag. I am angry because I am not one of these people and I was born with a desire for both male and females. I am angry because some days I want to be with a woman and some days I want to be with a man. However, I get damn horny and when I get damn horny it is my desire for sex that takes over, my sex drive, well, drives me. I then get into a situation with a bloke and relieve my sexual tension but, afterwards, I realise that I did not enjoy it that much. Why? I am so angry at this. Sometimes I want to settle down with a woman, get married, have children and be comfortable in my family. But I am angry. If I married a woman and settled down would I always have a desire for a man. Being bisexual is a painful place to be in, for me and I would give everything over, to have it removed.

I am confused. The whole damn thing confuses me. What do I do? I feel that the only way that I can explore who I am is to basically ‘come out’, to tell my friends and family so that I can then create a framework whereby I can experience my feelings. I am confused because if I ‘come out’ I then define who I am, at least to those around me, they will put a label on me when my exploration may lead me to realise that I am actually not bi, or gay, or whatever. If I dont ‘come out’ though I wont feel like I can experience these thoughts / these feelings because I will always live in fear and perhaps this will lead me to continue sexual exploration like I did the other day – in a trainstation toilet. I don’t want that. I want to experience what it is like to love a man. I will not find a man to love ‘undercover’. I am confused.

I am misunderstood. It is not as easy to say ‘come out’ and get on with it. My mates won’t understand and I will be the subject of their jokes. My parents and family will not be surprised but how would it make my family feel? How would it make my little sister feel, who is 14? How will it affect her? I don’t want it to affect her for the negative. I am misunderstood because those around me will question why I have chosen that form of lifestyle, some will even think that homosexual practice is disgusting. I will disgust some people.  People will not understand. I can’t explain the fact that this is not something that I chose, it was something that I was borne with. People around me will not ‘get it’. I will be misunderstood.

I spend so much time thinking about my sexuality, it consumes me, I can’t stop thinking about it. Why? Because I do not know what the future holds for me.

I am scared of spending the rest of my life on my own. I have so much love to give. I desperately desire love from someone special. I am scared of a life with bi-sexuality.

And the tears fell…

My mind is full. I have so much to digest and put in this blog, but some of it still needs digesting. I would like to talk about my last post: Animal Instinct & Illicit encounters, this was an exciting ‘moment’ for me but it made me think and there were some comments that were helpful, which I am still reflecting on. When things are clearer in my own mind I will post. I also want to tell you about a guy who was on my msn list, I havent spoken to him on msn for ages. I said hello to him this weekend, turns out he is bisexual. An interesting conversations was had and a possible drink lined up. Again, I will blog more about this later this week. There is something that I want to focus on right now.

As I have memtioned before I am only ‘out’ to a few people. I suppose my blog is heavily orientated towards my passion for men because, in some sense, this is my only outlet for that passion. I do love women but with both men and women I have very high standards as to what I like / want – this is not arrogance it is more unfortunate. I can’t help it.

Anyway, as I have started this blog it has led me to gain a greater understanding of who I am. I have struggled with feelings for the same sex for some time. I have never understood this as bisexuality until now and although I am not ‘out’ I am so proud of who I am and coming ‘out’ is only a matter of time. I am wanting to explore more about ‘me’ before I come out. I want to know more about bisexuality from a personal, psychological and societal point of view so that when those around me ask I am more equipped to answer.

I am spending a lot of time online reading other people’s experiences, reading about bisexuality from every point of view stated above. However, the more I read the more passionate I get. Let me reiterate, I am so proud of who I am. But everywhere I look online it seems that society is more accepting of homosexuality than they are of bisexuality, bisexuality being deemed to be a transitional stage towards an understanding that you are in fact gay. How wrong could this possible be and how naive? What strikes me is that people are trying to understand bisexuality from a hetrosexual perspective and quite frankly, it’s not possible.

Despite homosexuality being accepted, it is only to a degree. Homosexuality and bisexuality are deemed as being inferior to hetrosexuality – we all know that! I am passionate about people being free to explore their sexuality without being considered a minority and this makes me so sad. It makes me so sad that in today’s society we are fighting for equality of sexuality rather than being considered of equal worth and value. I can’t tell you how I get so hurt by this.

My online searching led to me viewing a video by a gay teenager, C.J., who was bulllied at his school. This bullying eventually led to an event that ended up with him getting arrested (for doing nothing wrong) rather than those who bullied him getting arrested. C.J., has produced a small video about his experience and as I watched it the tears fell. Passion was rising in me, a passion to see homosexuality and bisexuality viewed as equal as hetrosexuality.

Please take a look at this video clip: http://www.current.tv/make/vc2/sot (Look at the bottom images and clik on the last image, on the righ hand side called ‘We belong’.

The title of this film is as passionate as the content, ‘We belong’. My tears were falling because in a 21st Century society there is a request from a 16 year old male that society sees him as belonging too. I can’t understand this. In the majority we have got rid of slavery, in the majority women are viewed as equal (more so now than historically) and yet people who are trying to understand their sexuality are considered as being of less worth than those who are straight. What a sad world we live in. I am not really into gay pride or bisexual pride. I dont want to go on any gay marches and I am not really interested in heading to gay bars and clubs. Whilst I appreciate that it is important to protest and be proud, whilst it is important for people of like minds to meet, I believe that the more homosexual and bisexual people meet together in groups, as outcasts, then the further we push ourselves down the road towards securing our place in society as a minority.

The tears are falling because I am passionate about fighting a battle that in the 21st Century is a battle that should have already been fought and won.

Changing my feed

I am changing my feed to this site to: http://feeds.feedburner.com/FluidSexuality

If you have a feed to this site please change it to the above.

I am hoping that this will enable me to get allow Fluid Sexuality to be accessed by a wider group of people. Basically, so that I have more input and therefore I can learn more!