Archive for November, 2006

My night would have gone like this…

November 30, 2006

It’s nearly midnight. I am lying in bed. I am lonely. I came to bed to do the usual ‘porn thing’. There was one problem, I couldn’t be bothered. You see there is no substitute to the real thing and in all honesty I am feeling so lonely right now.  Having a wank by yourself is blatantly no substitue for real intimacy. I crave intimacy right now and I don’t mean of a sexual nature. I crave a man. Today I crave a man. I want a man. I need a man. God, I am fuckin’ desperate for a man.

Okay, here is my ideal scenario. I want to be with a beautiful man. This man cannot be camp, he just has to be normal, probably plays sport, probably good looking, probably a picture of strength.  My evening would have gone like this.. I would have come home from work with my man arriving at the same time. We would have ordered a Chinese take away and got in a bottle of wine (or two). We would have taken the ‘phone off the hook. We would have dimmed the lights. We would have eaten together and drunk wine as we opened up our minds to one another. We would have talked about our day. We would have talked about important things like the state of the economy, how we could run the Country better. We would have talked about non-important things – I would have told him about Alex Tew of the Milliondollarhomepage launching a second project. I would have talked about all my ideas. He would have laughed. We would have moved into the lounge and put on a dvd, and opened a second bottle of wine. We would have lay together on the couch. Our bodies locked together, my hands on his stomach as we watched the girly romantic film that we would have seen a billion times before and still found it funny. As we watched the film we would have kissed a few times. We would have given each other gentle, loving touches. We would have gazed into each others eyes, lovingly. Eventually I would fall asleep. The film would end and my man would take me up to bed. We would have both climbed into bed and I would have fallen asleep on his chest with my hand placed on his stomach. We would have been united. We would have been one. I would have been safe. I would have been secure. I would be praying in my sleep for this night never to end. I would be happy knowing that in 24 hours it would happen all over again.

But, that wasnt my night at all. I was surrounded by family. I ate with my family. I was on my laptop all night whilst watching T.V. The same thing that I do every night. I come to bed, lonely, on my own. I can’t do this anymore. I dont know where to find this man. My standards are so high that my ideal man probably does not exist (unless David Beckham is free, bi and totally in love with me). So, what will happen tonight is the same thing that I do every night, a lonely wank. A lonely fantasy…

Are we still living in the dark ages?

November 29, 2006

I was in the gym today staring at some hot guys, no seriously, I dont think I emphasised that enough, they were incredibly HOT! One hot guy started staring at me. I glanced in his direction and he was looking at me. I moved machines, he turned around to look at me. He moved machines, he turned around to look at me. He was hot. Nothing happened. I wondered whether he was watching because he was interested or he was watching because he couldnt believe the lack of weights that I could pull and kept looking back because he could’nt believe his eyes!! (I am not actually THAT bad!)

So, this got me thinking. I was thinking about the gym boys and wondered how many of them considered themselves ‘bi’ or secretly ‘bi’. I thought about the emo boys that live near me, some real hot characters, some lads who are very comfortable in hugging / holding blokes. I wondered how many of these guys considered themselves bisexual.

This got me thinking more.. *pause to see hot blonde lad on the running machine, about 24 with biceps bulging. I develop a serious errection and try to calm myself down. Back to thought process..* bisexuality is untalked about. Bisexuality is misunderstood and it is difficult for bisexuals to ‘come out’ because society does not know how to view them. In some sense it is easier for gay people to ‘come out’ because people understand ends of the spectrum: hot / cold, black / white – but people find it hard to understand people in the ‘middle’. My thought process continued along the lines of the fact that role models help people to become confident with who they are – when things become mainstream people feel more secure to share that they are exploring their sexuality too. However, who are the male bisexual role models? I dont know of anyone, do you?

Furthermore, perhaps this is just me thinking along these lines. I have met many camp gay guys, openly camp and this is cool but are there any normal bisexual guys ‘out there’ – school football players? Students at university? Is anyone out there ‘out’ as a bisexual? I would love to hear what you family and friends have to say.

It is so sad that there are people out there, just like me, males and females who are trying to understand their sexuality, trying to figure out who they are but they can’t, their exploration has to happen in silence because of the fear of society, the fear of comments by friends and family because bisexuality is misunderstood or not understood. Are we still living in the dark ages, in the Victorian era were no-one talked about sex between a male and female, it wasnt to be enjoyed, it was purely for the purposes of continuing the family line. Do bisexuals still have to remain living in the darkness and not enjoy who they really are.

A conversation with a God I dont believe exists.

November 27, 2006

Technically more of a monologue with myself, but that is what happened last night, as I lay in my bed. In all honesty I was feeling lethargic and confused and in some ways I still am. I just dont understand. Alot of this post will be a series of personal ramblings but I just have to let it all out I suppose…

This is what happened, and generally happens: I took my laptop up to my room, in bed and started searching for online porn. I found a great website and started to download some of the gay porn. I just dont get it. I was watching it, getting turned on, wishing that I was in that passionate situation with a guy. I started masturbating. I had cum all over the place. Then, the instant questions in my mind where: Do I really want that? The idea of a guy fuckin’ me up the ass felt like an invasion. It didnt feel like something that I really wanted. In the heat of the moment, watching these video’s a bit of male-one-male action looked great. It was definately what I was after. Once I had cum I was almost repulsed. I don’t know why.

 My subsequent monologue to a non-existant God went along the lines of why? Why do I feel like this? I was I born this way? Why the fuck am I going through this. All weekend I have been hanging out with lads who have been talking about specific girls they would like to fuck senseless, how they want to go down on as many women as possible just to taste them, they were talking about football, about cars, intermixed with comments about the fit women that walked past and what they would like to do to them. One guy was constantly textin different girls – telling them what he would like to do with them, basically lining them up for a shag. I was angry at a non-existant God because I am not like that. I would love to be. I would love to not have feelings for guys, especially feelings that seem to repulse me straight afterwards. I am confused. I don’t understand. This morning I just didnt want to get up. I was secretly wishing that the night would take me away. That this would be it. It would be over. I can’t quite see what my future holds. I don’t get it. I don’t understand. Damn this is confusing.

In some ways I have not experienced a relationship with a guy. I would like to try it. I would like to meet with a guy who is not camp, who has a great mind, who has an intriguing character, who is passionate, who is romantic, someone who I could trust to explore this side of my life without everyone knowing. I would love to find a guy like that but I dont think that it will happen.

I wonder whether, for my whole life, I will just remain confused.

Closed: for 2 days

November 23, 2006

Travelling around the Country for two days which means I will be posting again on Saturday!

I do like travelling as it gives me time to listen to Fetish Flame: A couples exploration into the darker side.

Nova & Atticus are a fantstic couple and sound so cute! If you have never checked out this podcast do so, now!

Rimming

November 22, 2006

I know that some people think that rimming is gross but, I love it. I am proud to say that I love it. Obviously there are basics here, the main basics being cleanliness but there is nothing like it. Strangely enough my rimming desires are only associated to the male of the species.

Picture (well dont ACTUALLY picture) but two amazing situations:

Situation numero uno:

A guy is laying face down. Legs spread. A nice firm ass. A nice hole. Ahhh to get in their with my tongue, rimming the edges, slowly sliding my tongue in as I play with his balls as I hold his firm ass. I love it. I flippin’ love it.

Situation numero (erm..) two:

This is one of my favourites. I am laying on my back and a guy lowers his ass over my face. It gives me more leverage to get deeper inside him. I love being in this position and hearing him moan at the sheer pleasure of the whole experience.

Okay. So I do not do this often and I would only do this with someone who I knew was real clean which does limit your numbers in the male species. Oh and he has to be completely fit. I suppose the reason that I like it is because when I have done it the guy gets real pleasure out of it and I absolutely love giving a guy pleasure. I love hearing him moan because of what I have done to him. I dont care if I reach orgasm, if I cum. I love pleasing a guy, so much. Usually both of the above scenarios end up with me being deep throated by the guy until he cums in the back of my throat and then, we are both happy.

Fuck, I am so hard right now…

Has a third option been edited throughout history for religious gain?

November 21, 2006

Society has defined two genders within society, ‘male’ and ‘female’. These are the genders that we are now accustomed living our lives by. The traditional male role, he is the hunter, the breadwinner and he loves the woman. The woman is the home maker and she loves her man. The love within these traditional roles is between male and female. These roles have been made ‘holy’ by the church in order to sanctify that God’s creation of man and woman to become one flesh and to continue the male lineage through offspring. Is this God’s original intention though?

Whether we believe in God or not is irrelevant the point is the religion and specifically Christanity, in the West has shaped the foundation of how we live our lives, it has determined how we should think and act towards others, it has determined who we love. As a basic background the bible was edited by men, under the reign of Constantine, these men decided what should and should not be in the bible.

I have been looking at the relationship between Jonathan and David that could imply a third option of relationship – that of the male and male.

The bible says the following of the relationship between Jonathan and David;

Jonathan, the eldest son of Saul, is struck with love for David on their first meeting, “And it came to pass, when he [David] had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” (1 Sam. 18:1). That same day, “Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul” (1 Sam. 18:3). Jonathan removes and offers David the rich garments he is wearing, and shares with him his worldly possessions: “And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.” (1 Sam. 18:4).

When Jonathan is slain on Mt. Gilboa by the Philistines (1 Sam. 31:2), David laments his death saying, “I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, surpassing the love of women.” (2 Sam. 1:26).

I just think that the relationship between these two was so beautiful, so intimate. Some authors suggest that this was a romantic relationship, a sexual relationship some state that it wasnt. It was known that David had a number of wives.

In the New Testament it is also stated that one of the disciples of Jesus lay on his Chest. Again I am not stating that this was sexual I am stating that in both of these scenarios there is a deep fondness and male / male intimacy that seems to have been edited out of society today.

What if there is something inherant within males, something innate that craves a relationship with a male. Imagine a non-sexual relationship where you lay on your mates chest, you kiss, but this is natural it is about ‘love’ – it’s something special. What if some blokes dont see this / feel this because of nurture. What if this love is so innate that they only way to understand it is to turn this desire for intimacy into something sexual, when, it may not be, but because it has been edited this has been the way it has found it’s expression.

 What if a men’s natural deep love for a man has been edited throughout history for religious gain?

Of course this would be the same for women and Naomi and Ruth’s biblical relationship has also been questioned as to whether this is one of a deeper intimacy for female and female.

Just a thought that’s been echoing throughout my mind.

Bisexuals – an inferior species?

November 19, 2006

What a weekend! I will tell you the whole story:

Kinda freaked me on Friday. A mate of mine was on msn and he basically said that he thought I was gay – he wasnt being harsh, homophobic or anything else, he was just explaining that he thought this. To be honest this really fazed me. I am trying to figure out my own sexuality without trying not to place myself under any label. I didnt know how to respond because I am trying to figure that out. It’s fluid.

 Current thought process of sexuality: A bi guy who does not want anal sex either giving or recieving.

I didnt want to tell this guy that I wasnt interested in guys, I didnt want to lie to him but I didnt want to be labelled as gay, because I am not. I was shocked. I didnt know how to respond and this created an awkward silence between us, for about a day. On Friday I basically explained to this guy my feelings, again over msn and he was cool with it.

Forward to Saturday, out with the lads. I just got a bit sick of it to be honest. There was so much banter about homosexuality – this wasnt aimed at me or because of what this other guy said it is just their lad attitude. They were commenting on everything from gay sex to being derogatory about others, e.g. ‘He is so gay’. It wound me up. It probably wound me up because I am moving forward in at least mentally exploring my own sexuality. Anyway, point is, I hated the conversations, I hated the way it made me feel. I felt like a freak. I was shocked.

Why was I shocked?  I felt inferior. I felt like they were the blokes, that they wanted to ‘shag’ women. They talked about sexual positions, about cumming on girls faces, about what their fantasies are. When conversation arose of a homosexual nature I felt second class. I felt like I lacked worth. I was inferior. I felt like a second class bloke. I resigned to just being quiet as I tried to understand it all.

On reflection I have realised that I have felt so comfortable just talking about my sexuality, exploring my sexuality and trying to understand myself more. I have been comfortable and secure in reading other people’s blogs, reading their stories and experiences as we follow a similar journey. I have found a place, a ‘home’ and this has helped to indeed relax and explore. I have realised, however, that this has made me too comfortable to the point that I was shocked at the conversation of my friends. It made me realise that as I explore these issues I need to guard my heart. I need to protect myself.

I still feel inferior and I wonder whether I always will feel that way. I wonder whether I will ever truly be able to explore my sexuality.

On the plus side, I was dancing away with a girl on the stage at a nightclub. She was hot. She got me hot. We kissed. We kissed again. We kissed. We danced. We exchanged numbers. She was nice. I really, really, really enjoy kissing and I love playing around as I kiss. I loved teasing her as I touched her lips softly with mine. I then altered the pressure as my tongue slipped into her mouth. I took control as I placed my hand on her face, gently. I pulled her body close to mine and teased her as we kissed. It was awesome. People were dancing around and we were in our own little world, a brief new world as we collided together for a brief moment in time. I was secretly so pleased when she pulled me close and told me that I was a great kisser. She even text me the same thing again this morning. I love kissing. I love it. I want to do it again, now. I cant wait to have that intimacy with a beautiful man. 

Don’t get me wrong, this wasnt an attempt to feel ‘manly’. She was just nice. Probably wont meet again. The kissing made me happy.

We stayed at the lads house that I have previously talked about – the guy I want to kiss. I stayed in the same bed as the guy who said he thought I was gay – so all was cool there!

Forbidden feelings

November 16, 2006

Okay. There is this guy. To some, he is geeky. To some, he is not good looking. To some, he is slightly weird and is interested in random things. To me, he is beautiful. Lets call this guy ‘M’.

I am desperate. Desperate to feel his soft tongue dance in my mouth. Our tongues like ballet dancers as they gracefully move and glide like lovers performing on a stage. I want to hold him close as we kiss. I want to feel his erect penis under his clothes, throbbing, longing for the attention that it deserves. I want no sound. Just silence as he pushes me down, both fully aware of what he is after. I go under the covers. I unzip his jeans. I take them off. I take off his briefs. I slowly start to lick his balls. I hear him pant. I hear him moan. I take one sac at a time in my mouth gently sucking and then I move on to lick his penis. His hands are on my head. He guides me. He is content and I also as he continues to moan with pleasure. I am happy that I can make him feel this way. I take his penis in my mouth and start to lick under the head of his penis as my hands gently massage his balls. He pulls my head closer into his body, his desire to get more of his manhood inside of me. I want to please him. I want to make him feel special. The door is closed. The lights are turned off. The darkness evokes intimacy and he starts to thrust into my mouth. I feel the taste of his pre-cum. A taste that is better than all of the the richest meals in the world. I long for him to give me more of that taste. Our hearts beat faster. He pumps harder. He cums. Exploding deep into my throat. I can taste him. I am happy to taste him. He pulls me up and whispers ‘thank you’ in my ear. I rest on his chest. We fall asleep. Both content.

I want this so bad, I cant. ‘M’ is a friend of mine. I dont want to spoil anything, he doesnt even know I am bi. Part of me wants to ‘come out’ to this guy. ‘M’ is very open with his fetishes and desires for women. Part of me hopes / wonders that if I come out something may just happen. Even if it did happen it would ruin everything and so I can’t.

Being a bi man. Exploring my sexuality, mentally, but not being ‘out’ is hard. This leaves me no room to explore physically unless that is meeting up with random strangers from the internet. I have done that. I dont want to do it anymore. I want something that means much more. I want him. I want him tonight. But I cant.

Our kiss.

November 13, 2006

Today my mind was given over to the male. I had a dream. A beautiful, comforting dream that I didn’t want to end. A dream that kept me safe. A dream that took place last night.

In the middle of the night I dreamed about a man, in his twenties, a man with jet black her. In my dream we were laying in bed next to each other, both topless. In the middle of the night he turned to me and gently woke me up. Upon waking he started to gently kiss me. His lips gently caressed mine. So gentle. This was the beginning of my desire for the sun to retire. For the sun to realise that he is too old and his work is done. For the sun to take a day off. Night would never end. The velvet of his lips met with mine. Gently he took control and placed his tongue into my mouth, his hand gently holding my face. Intimacy was fuelled. Our tongues danced in the dark. It was gentle. It was passionate. It was all that I needed. It was more than I had needed. It felt like our kiss would never end. I didnt want it too. Our lives and our bodies collided, they were willing for us to be one. Not a sexual oneness but a oneness that goes beyond the physical and moved into the mental. Slowly the tiredness took over and he motioned for me to rest my head on his chest. I did.  My hand rested on his stomach. His skin was perfect. It was hairless. His body was defined. My body was resting in the arms of a warrior. My warrior. I slept. I was content. I was happy.

The night ended. It was just a dream.

Today was a male day.

What do you mean by fluid?

November 13, 2006

Dictionary defintion: “changing readily; shifting; not fixed, stable, or rigid: fluid movements.”

Think of a river. Think of a river pretty much like this one. One day the river runs ferociously towards the sea. The river is rapid. It is wild. It is uncontrolable. On this specific day the river runs for the salmon that jumps and flits in it’s waters. The river runs just for the salmon. Another day, the river is calm. It trickles. It’s relaxes before the sun. It stretches. It yawns. The river takes it’s time. The river allows the deer to lower it’s neck, to lap it’s tongue and to drink the from a source that will keep her from swelting in the heat of the day.

My sexuality follows the erratic river. One day my passion is fuelled for the male, conveying his strength, his arms wrapped around my like a castle. Secure. Another day my desire is for the female. This time I am her castle and her beauty and grace entrance me as I desire to please her, to serve her.

My sexuality is not focused towards one particular gender but is fuelled by character, by the mind. Of course I am a sexual being and that will be explored in this diary but I love the mind. I fall in love with a character. I go crazy over intellect.

This is what I mean by fluid.