A conversation with a God I dont believe exists.

November 27, 2006

Technically more of a monologue with myself, but that is what happened last night, as I lay in my bed. In all honesty I was feeling lethargic and confused and in some ways I still am. I just dont understand. Alot of this post will be a series of personal ramblings but I just have to let it all out I suppose…

This is what happened, and generally happens: I took my laptop up to my room, in bed and started searching for online porn. I found a great website and started to download some of the gay porn. I just dont get it. I was watching it, getting turned on, wishing that I was in that passionate situation with a guy. I started masturbating. I had cum all over the place. Then, the instant questions in my mind where: Do I really want that? The idea of a guy fuckin’ me up the ass felt like an invasion. It didnt feel like something that I really wanted. In the heat of the moment, watching these video’s a bit of male-one-male action looked great. It was definately what I was after. Once I had cum I was almost repulsed. I don’t know why.

 My subsequent monologue to a non-existant God went along the lines of why? Why do I feel like this? I was I born this way? Why the fuck am I going through this. All weekend I have been hanging out with lads who have been talking about specific girls they would like to fuck senseless, how they want to go down on as many women as possible just to taste them, they were talking about football, about cars, intermixed with comments about the fit women that walked past and what they would like to do to them. One guy was constantly textin different girls – telling them what he would like to do with them, basically lining them up for a shag. I was angry at a non-existant God because I am not like that. I would love to be. I would love to not have feelings for guys, especially feelings that seem to repulse me straight afterwards. I am confused. I don’t understand. This morning I just didnt want to get up. I was secretly wishing that the night would take me away. That this would be it. It would be over. I can’t quite see what my future holds. I don’t get it. I don’t understand. Damn this is confusing.

In some ways I have not experienced a relationship with a guy. I would like to try it. I would like to meet with a guy who is not camp, who has a great mind, who has an intriguing character, who is passionate, who is romantic, someone who I could trust to explore this side of my life without everyone knowing. I would love to find a guy like that but I dont think that it will happen.

I wonder whether, for my whole life, I will just remain confused.

9 Responses to “A conversation with a God I dont believe exists.”

  1. shewalksinbeauty Says:

    It is possible that you will remain confused. Hell, look at me, I’m straight and confused as fuck! Maybe if you actually had a relationship with a male you could sort this out better. Maybe you need to feel that “violation” firsthand to see if you really have a problem with it. Do you fantasize about women and men equally? How are these fantasies different?

    I resort to my original conclusion…you need a threesome.


  2. hahaha.. your are intent on the threesome idea aint ya!

    Yeah i do fantasize about women and men equally. With women it is about me being their strength, my arms being like a castle around them. With men it is about them being my castle.

    Oh, I dont know!

  3. shewalksinbeauty Says:

    I just thought the repeated theme was funny!

    It is an interesting position to be in though. Now, with the repulsion (that may be a strong word) could it have been a mood thing? Example (and stop reading now if you don’t want TMI):

    When anal was first introduced to me it repulsed me. I wanted nothing to do with it, but, since I was comfortable with my husband and I trusted him, I let him try from time to time. I was VERY unenthusiastic, but did it for him. Now that time has passed, I don’t mind as much. It doesn’t “do it” for me and it is frequently uncomfortable, but I’m ok with it. Maybe you can just chalk your feelings up to inexperience in this area?

  4. Scott Says:

    I love your comments. Yeah I do hear you. I suppose the stuff that I see online is based on one night stands – it’s porn. It may be completely different if the situation was making love to a guy who I loved, who I wanted to be inside me, to be a part of me… mmhh… I need to find someone 😉

  5. shewalksinbeauty Says:

    You will have to try it to see.

  6. Scott Says:

    Any that easy huh!?

  7. Scott Says:

    I meant ‘aint’ that easy!

  8. shewalksinbeauty Says:

    No, It never is, no matter your orinetation or intentions.

  9. djrapture Says:

    You said…

    “One guy was constantly textin different girls – telling them what he would like to do with them, basically lining them up for a shag. I was angry at a non-existant God because I am not like that. I would love to be. I would love to not have feelings for guys, especially feelings that seem to repulse me straight afterwards.”

    Firstly, what do you mean by wishing that you could be like them? Do you mean that you wish you were purely heterosexual or do you mean being at their social level of how they intereact with each other?

    Second, are you ashamed of being bisexual in any kind of sense? Religiously, biologically, socially…?


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