Archive for December, 2006

Boys, Girls or both?

December 31, 2006

This whole sexuality thing is, to be quite honest, damn hard work! I have spent Christmas with friends in pubs and generally socialising. Of course, over the Christmas and New Year period the alcohol intake is high but, it seems, so is the sex drive. I dont know, something just happens. Blokes want girls and girls want blokes, it seems like anyone would possibly have anyone over this festive period. Perhaps it is a longing, from those who dont have anyone, well, to have someone, if only for a brief moment in time.

Anyway I have heard male friends state ‘I’d do her’, ‘I am going to do her’ or ‘She is an angel’. I have heard the same from women (although, obviously not the angel comment!) as they refer to guys. I have found myself struggling so much. I have seen angels over the Christmas period, beautiful, petite, shining, smiling and my thoughts have erred along the lines of wanting a girl just a touch, just a taste, someone beautiful to hold and to call my own. However, I have also seen some blokes, some pretty hot blokes. These blokes that I have seen are not angels, they are warriors, they are strong, they are rugged, there are quite literally amazing and I have wanted them too. Just a bloke to hold, to have, to share my dreams with, my life with, a guy to share my goals with. And there the confusion remains, boys, girls or both?

As we stumble into 2007 this year holds a few questions for me:

1) Do I ‘come out’ as bisexual?

Concerns: How will this affect family and friends? Will my family shun me? My mates, I have some great mates, all gym guys and all make comments about ‘gays’ about ‘homos’. What would they say? Would they be supportive? I don’t know.

2) If I do ‘come out’ as being bisexual what if I change my mind?

Concern: I could have a relationship witha guy and then realise that this is not what I want at all. If I do this I would be labelled as bisexual anyway. Do I just need to find a guy to have a relationship with and see what happens? Do I need to declare myself as bisexual before experiencing a proper relationship with a guy?

3) What if this is the worst year ever?

Concern: I am worried that this could be the worst year ever because of my need / want and desire to have a ‘normal’ life as a bisexual guy, or at least as a guy who has a fluid sexuality.

See. Confused is what I am.

I have no idea what this year will hold in store.

Happy New Year readers and friends.

Sometimes.

December 21, 2006

Sometimes I am not interested in guys.

Sometimes I am not interested in girls.

Sometimes I am not interested in sex, full stop.

Sometimes I wonder whether it is because I have not found the right guy.

Sometimes I wonder whether it is because I have not found the right girl.

Sometimes I wonder whether this is my own ‘thorn in the flesh’ much like the Apostle Paul had.

Sometimes I think that there is no way that God could exist otherwise he would not leave me in this fucked up state.

Sometimes I wonder why my head, my heart and my sexuality are so fucked up.

Sometimes I wonder whether this will simply be my existance, one that is damn hard, everyday.

Sometimes death is not an enemy who I fear but a friend who is welcomed.

Sometimes I wonder ‘why me?’

You can’t heal until you have been hurt.

December 17, 2006

I am hurting. Real bad. I have not posted on here for a few days, I just had to get away. My bi-sexuality does my head in. I often wish I was not born like this but then I wonder whether the issue is because I am not ‘out’.

The current status of Scotty is: I am lonely.

It’s Christmas and for some reason, somehow Christmas makes couples go all gooey, all glazed eyes, all romantic, all so fuckin’ we-are-happy-we-are-celebrating-Christmas-together-and-life-is-great. Life isn’t great. Not for me anyway. I want to be in a relationship. I want to try being in a relationship with a guy, a guy who loves me. A guy who looks up to me. A guy who respects me. A guy who will make me feel complete.

Right now I don’t feel complete. I feel like I am living half of a life until I find that person, that special someone. I know that this could sound bad and people would encourage me to be whole first, before looking for that person. But, I can’t. I know that 1/2 + a 1/2 = 1. I was born as a half I think and so I spent time wondering around as a half, wishing, wanting, hoping, dreaming that I would soon become whole.

Last night I went into town, clubbing. I was so lonely. There were so many couples. There were so many men, men of strength who had their arms around their girls, who danced with them, who pulled them close and I was so envious of those girls. I wanted to hit the town with a guy. I wanted to know what it felt like to have a guy want me. I wanted to know what it felt like to have a guy hold me close. I wanted to know what it felt like to go home at the end of the night and curl up in bed, with a guy, holding one another. Last night I spent the evening and early hours of the morning in a club packed with over 300 people and yet I was lonely.

I have reflected on this all day, generally moping around and feeling sorry for myself. In some ways I am confident about who I am. I want to tell my friends and family that I am bisexual because it does not bother me anymore. I know that this is me and it feels as though if I don’t tell them I will never live my life as I truly am and what a sad existence that would be. However, I wonder whether my desire to tell all about my sexuality is guided by some naive premise that as soon as I do some hot guy will gaze at me across a crowded pub, will walk over to me, pull me close and kiss my intimately. It won’t happen! To be honest I doubt whether I will ever find that guy. My expectations are too high. I dare to think guys are hot who are well out of my league – mostly because they are straight. God, I would just love to experience a romantic relationship with a guy who 1) is beautiful and is everything that I love in a guy 2) Who finds me attractive and who wants to do anything in order to please me, because he loves me.

Currently I am sad. I am so lonely. My head is fucked because I dont know if I should come out or whether my expectations of coming out will come crashing down and it will be nothing but pain, disappointment and rejection. All I can say is that I live with this internal struggle and I want to know what it is like to simply start living as me.

Right now I am hurting, one day I hope that the healing will take place.

A vision of the future through the pain of the past?

December 12, 2006

Young people don’t give a fuck! Well, technically they do – they give a damn about many things but they dont necessarily have hang-ups about aspects of life that an older generation may have had problems with. I would guess that young people are rebelling from the bondage of the past that kept their parents in slavery and they are walking into a new future. Historically, the morals and values of society were based upon Christian principles. Christianity believes that homosexuality is a sin. Many gay / bi-sexual men moved into marriages and tried to deny their sexuality, for the sake of what they believed was right. Stigma about homosexuality and bisexuality grew so that those who chose to come ‘out’ were percieved as inferior. Ironically, for many gay / bisexual men and women they exchanged who they were in order to live out traditional family values – but was this fake, forced, not real? Today, where do we stand? Young people have exchanged ‘family values’ for community values. There is a hell of a lot of rebellion going on. Young people are turning away from their parents with their traditional family values and they see hypocrisy so they turn to their friends. Young people build bonds with their friends that are deeper than those that they have with their family. With regards to sexuality teenagers are happy to explore, without the Christian morals that state that homosexuality is wrong. In fact, as Christianity loses it’s hold over society I believe that we will see a generation rise who will explore their sexuality without concern and without labelling themselves – homosexual / bisexual / hetrosexual.

A book has been written that looks at some of the development of sexual orientation amongst young people;

The New Gay Teenager Ritch C. Savin-Williams

2005 Distinguished Book Award from the American Psychological Association Division 44

Gay, straight, bisexual: how much does sexual orientation matter to a teenager’s mental health or sense of identity? In this down-to-earth book, filled with the voices of young people speaking for themselves, Ritch Savin-Williams argues that the standard image of gay youth presented by mental health researchers–as depressed, isolated, drug-dependent, even suicidal–may have been exaggerated even twenty years ago, and is far from accurate today.

The New Gay Teenager gives us a refreshing and frequently controversial introduction to confident, competent, upbeat teenagers with same-sex desires, who worry more about the chemistry test or their curfew than they do about their sexuality. What does “gay” mean, when some adolescents who have had sexual encounters with those of their own sex don’t consider themselves gay, when some who consider themselves gay have had sex with the opposite sex, and when many have never had sex at all? What counts as “having sex,” anyway? Teenagers (unlike social science researchers) are not especially interested in neatly categorizing their sexual orientation.

In fact, Savin-Williams learns, teenagers may think a lot about sex, but they don’t think that sexuality is the most important thing about them. And adults, he advises, shouldn’t think so either.

(Source: http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog/SAVNEW.html)

In contrast there was the recent story of Church leader, Ted Haggard who was removed from Church leadership because of an encounter with a male prostitute. A second Church leader has now been removed from Church leadership because of male sexual encounters, he has stated that he has struggled with his sexuality since he was 5 years old:

ENGLEWOOD, Colo. — The founding pastor of a second Colorado church has resigned over gay sex allegations, just weeks after the evangelical community was shaken by the scandal surrounding megachurch leader Ted Haggard.

Haggard, a gay-marriage opponent, admitted to unspecified “sexual immorality” when he resigned last month as president of the National Association of Evangelicals and pastor of the 14,000-member New Life Church in Colorado Springs. A male prostitute had said he had had sex with Haggard for three years.

On Sunday, Paul Barnes, founding pastor of the 2,100-member Grace Chapel in this Denver suburb, told his evangelical congregation in a videotaped message he had had sexual relations with other men and was stepping down.

Dave Palmer, associate pastor of Grace Chapel, told The Denver Post that Barnes confessed to him after the church received a call last week.

The church board of elders accepted Barnes’ resignation on Thursday.

On the videotape, which The Post was allowed to view, Barnes told church members: “I have struggled with homosexuality since I was a 5-year-old boy. … I can’t tell you the number of nights I have cried myself to sleep, begging God to take this away.”

Barnes, 54, led Grace Chapel for 28 years. He and his wife have two adult children.

Palmer said in a written statement that “While we cannot condone what he has done, we continue to support and love Paul.” (AP)

Source: (http://www.planetout.com/news/article.html?date=2006/12/11/4&navpath=/news)

This sadens me greatly. Of course we can state how this man was in the wrong, to have a gay affair. We can talk about how his he may have been hypocritical in his preaching and practice. Nevertheless, he felt that he had to repress who he was because of his beliefs and the beliefs of those around him and this is sad.

So, a look at the future? Will young people throw off Christian morals and traditional family values in an exploration towards who they really are? Will Christianity, or religion, survive in such an environemt? Only time will tell. The one thing that I am certain of is that young people are being bold enough to throw off prejudice and judgement and my hope is that this will lead to less pain through failed marriages and disappointment for those who have to look upon the ‘fallen’.

Could you be the most beautiful boy in the world?

December 9, 2006

I get worried about what people think of my blog, about what I write. I have realised that I get too worried about this, it’s my blog, not yours. So, fuck it, here goes…

What have I done today? I have thought about Al. I have text Al. I have e-mailed Al. I have even spoke to Al on the ‘phone.  I am absolutely head over heels completely crazy about this boy. I have no idea where it is going to go, or where it is heading but all I can tell you is that I am the happiest that I have ever felt in a long time and it is all because of this boy, Al. I had no idea that one little comment could lead to this, to all of this and there are feelings hitting my body that I can’t even describe.

It’s fast. It’s raw. It’s alive. It’s real.

I am elated. I am joyous. I am wanting to cry. I am wanting to laugh. I am wanting to shout. I am wanting to scream. I am wanting to tell the world that I am bisexual. I am wanting to jump from a very high height. I am wanting to swim the widest ocean. I am wanting to walk the most deserted desert. I am wanting to be the very best that I possibly can be.

Why, all because of this boy.

To speak to Al was fantastic. Al is articulate. Al is cute. Al is funny. Al is intelligent. Al has dreams. Al has passion. It was just so easy to talk to him, far too easy. I was on the bus and even missed my bus stop because I was deep in conversation. Most of all Al is real, he is very real.

Al is an incredible guy, in the most simplest way and I am so pleased that fate would have us bump into each other online.

I dont know where this will go. I dont really know whether Al is attracted to me (as much as someone think they can be from images, text and ‘phone calls). I dont know many things and some of these things scare me. But, I have never experienced such an exciting scary-ness, in my life.

Right now I feel entirely humbled and I am so honoured to be in that place.

Thank you Al.

Not all in Hollywood ends so well.

December 8, 2006

Firstly a huge thank you to all those who have e-mailed me to congratulate me on being brave enough to throw out ‘the challenge’. Thank you for your offers of dates too 🙂 . A number of people have mentioned how this challenge was of Hollywood proportions, some say even better. I have been thinking alot today about how not all Hollywood movies end so well. There are lots of questions in my mind: What if Al and I don’t get on? What if Al does not find me attractive? What if he did find me attractive, what then? What if I fell for a guy and knew that a relationship with him was out of the question? That would be the worst of all. Many good Hollywood films have unpredictable endings, they twist and turn and grab the audience by suprise. Both Al and I are audience’s of this movie too and personally I am damn scared about the ending one way or the other. I am trying not to think about it. We are just friends. That is it. (edit @ 18.23pm: No, that’s not it. I am falling for a guy and I am scared of falling deeper any deeper than where I am now.)

Moving on, as I attempt to try and forget about this little drama this weekend and lighten up this blog, just a tad. It was suggested to me by Mark from Defending the Raven that I wrote about which male and female celebrities I found attractive, Mark commented to this effect right here.  So, in keeping with the Hollywood film I will go for two males and two females who I particularly like.

I want you to remember, as you get to know me, that the biggest turn on for me is the mind, male or female. If a person’s mind can get me going with good conversation, no matter how they look, I could practically cum in my pants as we engage in debate and informative conversation – this does it for me. But there are other forms of the attractions of the mind, for me. Just remember that.

Two boys:

Ok, again, another lesson of the Fluid Sexuality variety. My passion, generally, for blokes is about strength – this could be both physical strength or strength of mind. I love them both.

Boy Number One: David Beckham

david-beckham-03_1_.jpg (Links to bigger picture)

I love a number of things about Beckham. I love the strength of his body. I love his style. I love the way he can have a million different hairstyles and each style suits him. I love Beckham’s business mind – he hasn’t become a global brand by being thick. I think he is amazing and I would do pretty much anything to jump in the sack with him!

Boy Number Two: Matt Damon

matt_damon_150e.jpg (Links to bigger picture)

I think Matt Damon is physically fit and that makes me go ‘wow’. I love Damon’s acting ability, it’s fantastic. However, I particularly love Damon in the film ‘Beautiful Mind’ (edit: @ 19.43 this film was actually ‘Good Will Hunting’ as pointed out by Al. My obsession with minds was clearly on my own mind!) Damon plays this really intelligent guy who initially is a school cleaner because he has no belief in himself. I love him in that role. I love his mind in that role! Oh my gosh, I think I am wet. I need to move on…

I have just realised, I love rugged faces on guy.

Two girls:

With girls it is very different, I love girly girls who have a strong mind. I love girls who I can hold in my arms, to wrap my arms around them, for me to be their strength. The two particular girls who make me go wild are:

Girl Number One: Ashlee Simpson

Ashlee Simpson(Links to bigger picture)

Ashlee is amazing. She is cute. She is hot. She is a fantastic actress… enough said!

Girl Number Two: Vanessa Mae

(Links to bigger picture)

For those of you who don’t know Mae, she is an incredibly talented violinist. She is sexy. She is steamy and she plays the violin incredibly. Music is a big thing for me and I love creative, musical minds. I would love to sit and talk to her for hours and the violin is just a turn on. I swear, if played right, I could reach orgasm just by the sound of the violin.

I have just realised, I love the softness of girls.

So, guys and girls, it’s over to you. Who are your hottest Hollywood celebrities?

He said yes.

December 7, 2006

I offered a challenged. Al said yes. Read Al’s reply here.

I have read his reply about a billion times (okay, exaggerated to make a point).

I am trying to find the words to tell you exactly how I feel right now. I can’t. Sometimes, just somtimes a feeling goes on inside your body that words fail to describe…

Dear Al: A challenge & end of chapter.

December 7, 2006

Dear Al,

You know, I have been at the gym all afternoon, my head has been full and I need to end this, in my own mind at least.

During our past few posts & comments there has been some playful flirting. I have enjoyed it. Thank you.

However, the deal is, when I made that comment about kissing you, I made it as I was thinking about you, personally. I was thinking about my lips caressing yours. I was thinking about our tongues dancing together. I was thinking about my hand gently touching the side of your face as time stood still and we got lost in one another, no maps, no compass just exploration. It was you, in my mind, as I wrote it.

Okay so it’s a bit forward to say that I want that kiss to happen in real life and I would never ever push for that. However, I would love to meet up with you, to take you out for a meal. I would love to talk to you. I would love to learn from you.

So, here is my offer. At any point in time, from now until the end of time, my offer is that I will meet you anywhere in England and pay for a meal, for us both.  This would be a public place and once the meal is over we both say goodbye. This is my offer to you. I dont expect a comment. I dont expect a reply. This is a challenge that I mean but it signifys an end of chapter for me. I have to throw a line out in the water, see if there is a bite and if not, let it go. I am scared about doing this and doing it so publically but, it is something that I have to do.

There is no pressure, as always, just admiration.

Scotty,

AKA Fluid Sexuality.

Well, you see, there is this boy…

December 7, 2006

At the moment I am 100% confused. Imagine taking out your brain, having it thrown around like a rugby ball and then afterwards a spin in the dryer and then putting it back in your head. Have you grasped as much as you possibly can how that would feel? You have. Well thats pretty similar to where my head is at right now!

Okay, to tell the story. I started this blog after coming across the superb blog of another bloke, in his twenties, Al from BiJourney. As I read more and more of Al’s blog I just started to really enjoy his mind. I wondered what Al would be like. I wondered what it would be like to sit down and have a meal with him. I wondered how exciting it would be to get into Al’s mind. To hear his thoughts. To hear his dreams. To hear his passion. To hear his desires. I simply dreamed about this. This is a random feeling, it is not that I am thinking that I want to get into Al’s pants, it’s well, more than that, I want to get into his mind. I want to get to know him. To respect him. To be a strength for him. And if something happened out of that it would only be the ice on the cake, it would be the unexpectedly winning the lottery feeling, it would be the surprise Nintendo Wii console in my Santa sack this Christmas, it would be all that and more.

I continued to enjoy Al’s blog and was mesmorised by the innocence of a picture of himself that he posted, entitled ‘Exploring’. The innocence of this picture was beautiful to me.

I was hooked. I loved the mind and the more that Al shared of his own experience, of his past and a little bit of his life story the more I was both intrigued, amazed and happy.

Let’s speed up to yesterday. Al posts a blog called, Growing out of homophobia, which I replied to saying;

“Please allow our lips to tenderly touch as my hand gently holds the side of your face, my tongue slides in and explores you intimately, delicately and passionately… you may like it ;-)

This was good stuff Al.”

Well Al’s response took me by surpise. Al’s initial response went along the lines of;

“Oh my god! That comment actually made me go weak at the knees. No guy has ever done that to me before. And certainly nobody I’ve never met. How the hell did you do that?”

According to Al, this was only the start of the effect that this little comment had on him and a full blog was posted on by Al as a response to these comments, this post was called Spellbound by a Comment.

This made me feel really fuzzy inside, the fact that I could have this affect on someone. Of course I realise that it was simply the comment that had an affect on Al, not me, because he doesnt know me. As far as I know Al hasn’t got into my mind through reading my blogs, in the same way that I have been in awe at his comments.

So, the confusion. I doubt anything will happen between myself and Al. As far as I know Al I respect him. I would love to go for a meal with Al and just talk and talk and talk. I would love it! However, I understand that there are too many factors at play that will hinder seeing this happen.

However, I wonder, in general. Is it possible to meet someone online, have feelings for them and for that to actually develop into something in real life? Is it even right to take things further with someone you have met online? I know heaps of people who have met people on the likes of MySpace and have met up with them in person. But is it worth it? Is it different in a gay / bisexual situation? I know that people can come across how they want to online – is it actually worth wondering whether something could happen with a certain person or is it best to just put it out of your mind? I dont know.

For now, with Al, I think he is great. I shall be following his blog. This post of mine is an attempt to convey my confusion and the fact that my mind was spinning all yesterday evening, all night (I couldn’t sleep!) and once again this morning. This is not an attempt at a subtle message to Al. He knows how I feel. And this certainly isn’t a Lonelygirl15 staged and scripted online scenario in order to gain more hits to the blog. Something, literally, just happened. Whatever it is that happened I will never know but it was a moment that I enjoyed.

Being the master of my sex drive.

December 6, 2006

On the 1st December I wrote a blog that kicked up a bit of a fuss, the blog was entitled, ‘Animal Insitinct & Illicit Encounters’ . This blog explained a sexual encounter with a guy, that I recently had in a public toilet. One particular response from ‘DJRAPTURE’ challenged me and led me to think a hell of a lot over the past few days, thinking about my actions.

I will be honest, the encounter that I had was exciting, it was passionate, it was thrilling and I damn well enjoyed it despite the fact that the context of the enounter i.e. a public toilet was not the most romantic. However, DJRAPTURE got me thinking about a number of things:

Thing I was made to think about number one:

A few days before the ‘encounter’ post I wrote a post about how I am looking for intimacy, about how I dream of a relationship that is fuelled by love, intimacy and respect. I was forced to wonder whether this encounter, which was basically about me being the slave to my sex drive, was in the best interests of both myself and that future person. Was I really respecting myself, despite the fact that I enjoyed it? If I am really honest with myself I wasn’t respecting myself. Yeah it was a quick, exciting, passionate encounter but was it in my best interest? No. I don’t think it was. I dont want to be someone who is ruled by my sex drive. I want to be ruled by a desire to pleased my partner, in every way possible. I appreciate that we have our own sexual needs, our own sexual desires and sometimes we just get so damn horny but I believe that true love is all about loving each other and meeting each others needs, as this takes place our own sexual desires are met. THAT is what I am after.

Thing I was made to think about number two:

I risked my health. I have no idea what std’s this guy could have had. Was the few minutes of excitement really worth risking the future of my health? No.

Thing I was made to think about number three:

I am just starting to understand and explore my sexuality. I could not help thinking how I would respond if a bisexual guy came to me and explained to me that he had the encounter that I did. How would I respond? You see, it is easy to convince myself that the encounter was okay because the guy was damn hot and because it was sexually satisfying. But the truth is that if a guy came to me saying that he had done what I had done I would encourage him not to do it again and indeed I would aim to inspire him to explore his sexuality in the context of a loving relationship.

I have no idea what could have happened. This guy could have raped me, abused me, he could have done any number of un-nice things and I wouldn’t want anyone to risk themselves in this way.

My conclusion is that I want to work on being the best person that I can be, both for myself and for who-ever that is who I end up with. I now understand that sometimes this means putting guidelines on your own life so that you all aspects of your life are happy and healthy, not simply so that you can have exciting sex.

So, lesson is learn’t. I am going to work on being the master of my sex drive. I am not saying that this would not happen again, I am a human being. I am going to work hard at this not happening again. I am also inclined to say that there are some envinroments that are healthy where people can explore their festishes, their sex and their desires but a public toilet with a random guy is probably not the best way to explore this.