Angry. Confused. Misunderstood. Scared.

December 5, 2006

Today I need to use my blog as a proverbial head banging against a brick wall. Why do I want to violenty bash my head against a solid wall? Because I am angry, confused and misunderstood about who I am.

I am angry at the fact that I was born as I bisexual male. I don’t quite know who I am angry with… God? Biology? Nurture? I don’t know but which ever it is needs to know that I am damn angry. I long to be one of them. You know, one of them – the lads that have the girls flocking after them. The lads who play football. The lads who go to the club at the weekend and are guaranteed to get a shag. I am angry because I am not one of these people and I was born with a desire for both male and females. I am angry because some days I want to be with a woman and some days I want to be with a man. However, I get damn horny and when I get damn horny it is my desire for sex that takes over, my sex drive, well, drives me. I then get into a situation with a bloke and relieve my sexual tension but, afterwards, I realise that I did not enjoy it that much. Why? I am so angry at this. Sometimes I want to settle down with a woman, get married, have children and be comfortable in my family. But I am angry. If I married a woman and settled down would I always have a desire for a man. Being bisexual is a painful place to be in, for me and I would give everything over, to have it removed.

I am confused. The whole damn thing confuses me. What do I do? I feel that the only way that I can explore who I am is to basically ‘come out’, to tell my friends and family so that I can then create a framework whereby I can experience my feelings. I am confused because if I ‘come out’ I then define who I am, at least to those around me, they will put a label on me when my exploration may lead me to realise that I am actually not bi, or gay, or whatever. If I dont ‘come out’ though I wont feel like I can experience these thoughts / these feelings because I will always live in fear and perhaps this will lead me to continue sexual exploration like I did the other day – in a trainstation toilet. I don’t want that. I want to experience what it is like to love a man. I will not find a man to love ‘undercover’. I am confused.

I am misunderstood. It is not as easy to say ‘come out’ and get on with it. My mates won’t understand and I will be the subject of their jokes. My parents and family will not be surprised but how would it make my family feel? How would it make my little sister feel, who is 14? How will it affect her? I don’t want it to affect her for the negative. I am misunderstood because those around me will question why I have chosen that form of lifestyle, some will even think that homosexual practice is disgusting. I will disgust some people.  People will not understand. I can’t explain the fact that this is not something that I chose, it was something that I was borne with. People around me will not ‘get it’. I will be misunderstood.

I spend so much time thinking about my sexuality, it consumes me, I can’t stop thinking about it. Why? Because I do not know what the future holds for me.

I am scared of spending the rest of my life on my own. I have so much love to give. I desperately desire love from someone special. I am scared of a life with bi-sexuality.

4 Responses to “Angry. Confused. Misunderstood. Scared.”

  1. Mark Says:

    I completely understand. I wish I was one or the other as well. I could be fine with being just straight or just gay. It would be fine. It would be something I would knew and then could deal with, but this whole in between thing is hard. However, you are a step ahead of me because you explored both before finding someone to be with.

    If the need to come out is agonizing you so much then you just have to do it and ignore people’s thoughts. Fact of the matter is people might be more understanding. They might not get it, but they may understand it more than you think.

    What are you afraid of in not coming out? Being found out? I can understand the thinking that it’ll lead you to explore it in more dangerous ways (that is not entirely untrue even in my own experience).

    The thing is being bi doesn’t mean that some day you might be just straight or gay. You may choose to lead a life that is more straight or more gay, but that doesn’t change your sexual identity from being bi. When you realize that and can own it that will make things easier for you. It’ll even be more important for when you find someone to have a life together with. Would you foresee not sharing that with them? And do you think the attraction to the other sex you are not with will ever really go away?

    I know it’s a struggle and it’s hard to put your head fully around. I’m 2 years into fully grasping it as part of my life and it doesn’t always work.

  2. Scott Says:

    Mark – thank you for this. It was really helpful. My fear is that I wont be accepted – by my friends, by my family, by a future partner. I would love to have a future partner who understands that I am bisexual and we will work through that together. However, it feels that more and more I am narrowing the amount of people who could possibly find me attractive and want to share their life with me. Which girl wants to be with a bisexual guy? How can I help people towards understanding if I dont understand myself. And still confusion reigns.

  3. shewalksinbeauty Says:

    I’m glad you were able to bang your head against the proverbial blogging wall, I hope you didn’t hurt yourself!
    I wanted my response to you to be well thought out. I hope I am able to express my thoughts without talking myself into a corner.
    Your Anger: In my experience, confusion often leads to frustration. It is frustrating not to know the answers to your questions or know where to find solutions to your inner conflict. It can seem a lifetime before you find peace with your “inner demons.” (so to speak)
    Your Confusion: You should be confused. That doesn’t really help you much, but it is a fact. You are in a new situation with new feelings, you are trying to figure out what you want and what you need. There is no way that you can expect to muddle through all of this new territory without confusion. The only thing that you can do is understand that you are confused and try to react in a level-headed manner. Step back and look at your situation with as clear of a mind as possible.
    Misunderstanding: A viable fact will be that you will be misunderstood; it is the nature of our society. How you accept your mistreatment is going to be a defining factor in whom you become. Will you carry it in anger? Will it make you stronger?
    Being Scared: Take things slowly, be patient. A time will come for your coming out, or your discovery, but don’t act in haste just to get it off your chest. There will be a time and it may come when you have a better understanding of yourself. As for a lover? You will find someone. Someone open and accepting to a bi-male. (I can’t be the only woman on the planet who is fine with bi-sexuality!! And I’m sure there must be men too!!)

  4. Scott Says:

    shewalksinbeauty… thank you so much for this message, it was very helpful indeed. This message really helped me to understand more about the direction which i need to take and the focus that I need to have in dealing with this thing called ‘bisexualit’ so, thank you!

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