Being the master of my sex drive.

December 6, 2006

On the 1st December I wrote a blog that kicked up a bit of a fuss, the blog was entitled, ‘Animal Insitinct & Illicit Encounters’ . This blog explained a sexual encounter with a guy, that I recently had in a public toilet. One particular response from ‘DJRAPTURE’ challenged me and led me to think a hell of a lot over the past few days, thinking about my actions.

I will be honest, the encounter that I had was exciting, it was passionate, it was thrilling and I damn well enjoyed it despite the fact that the context of the enounter i.e. a public toilet was not the most romantic. However, DJRAPTURE got me thinking about a number of things:

Thing I was made to think about number one:

A few days before the ‘encounter’ post I wrote a post about how I am looking for intimacy, about how I dream of a relationship that is fuelled by love, intimacy and respect. I was forced to wonder whether this encounter, which was basically about me being the slave to my sex drive, was in the best interests of both myself and that future person. Was I really respecting myself, despite the fact that I enjoyed it? If I am really honest with myself I wasn’t respecting myself. Yeah it was a quick, exciting, passionate encounter but was it in my best interest? No. I don’t think it was. I dont want to be someone who is ruled by my sex drive. I want to be ruled by a desire to pleased my partner, in every way possible. I appreciate that we have our own sexual needs, our own sexual desires and sometimes we just get so damn horny but I believe that true love is all about loving each other and meeting each others needs, as this takes place our own sexual desires are met. THAT is what I am after.

Thing I was made to think about number two:

I risked my health. I have no idea what std’s this guy could have had. Was the few minutes of excitement really worth risking the future of my health? No.

Thing I was made to think about number three:

I am just starting to understand and explore my sexuality. I could not help thinking how I would respond if a bisexual guy came to me and explained to me that he had the encounter that I did. How would I respond? You see, it is easy to convince myself that the encounter was okay because the guy was damn hot and because it was sexually satisfying. But the truth is that if a guy came to me saying that he had done what I had done I would encourage him not to do it again and indeed I would aim to inspire him to explore his sexuality in the context of a loving relationship.

I have no idea what could have happened. This guy could have raped me, abused me, he could have done any number of un-nice things and I wouldn’t want anyone to risk themselves in this way.

My conclusion is that I want to work on being the best person that I can be, both for myself and for who-ever that is who I end up with. I now understand that sometimes this means putting guidelines on your own life so that you all aspects of your life are happy and healthy, not simply so that you can have exciting sex.

So, lesson is learn’t. I am going to work on being the master of my sex drive. I am not saying that this would not happen again, I am a human being. I am going to work hard at this not happening again. I am also inclined to say that there are some envinroments that are healthy where people can explore their festishes, their sex and their desires but a public toilet with a random guy is probably not the best way to explore this.

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