You can’t heal until you have been hurt.

December 17, 2006

I am hurting. Real bad. I have not posted on here for a few days, I just had to get away. My bi-sexuality does my head in. I often wish I was not born like this but then I wonder whether the issue is because I am not ‘out’.

The current status of Scotty is: I am lonely.

It’s Christmas and for some reason, somehow Christmas makes couples go all gooey, all glazed eyes, all romantic, all so fuckin’ we-are-happy-we-are-celebrating-Christmas-together-and-life-is-great. Life isn’t great. Not for me anyway. I want to be in a relationship. I want to try being in a relationship with a guy, a guy who loves me. A guy who looks up to me. A guy who respects me. A guy who will make me feel complete.

Right now I don’t feel complete. I feel like I am living half of a life until I find that person, that special someone. I know that this could sound bad and people would encourage me to be whole first, before looking for that person. But, I can’t. I know that 1/2 + a 1/2 = 1. I was born as a half I think and so I spent time wondering around as a half, wishing, wanting, hoping, dreaming that I would soon become whole.

Last night I went into town, clubbing. I was so lonely. There were so many couples. There were so many men, men of strength who had their arms around their girls, who danced with them, who pulled them close and I was so envious of those girls. I wanted to hit the town with a guy. I wanted to know what it felt like to have a guy want me. I wanted to know what it felt like to have a guy hold me close. I wanted to know what it felt like to go home at the end of the night and curl up in bed, with a guy, holding one another. Last night I spent the evening and early hours of the morning in a club packed with over 300 people and yet I was lonely.

I have reflected on this all day, generally moping around and feeling sorry for myself. In some ways I am confident about who I am. I want to tell my friends and family that I am bisexual because it does not bother me anymore. I know that this is me and it feels as though if I don’t tell them I will never live my life as I truly am and what a sad existence that would be. However, I wonder whether my desire to tell all about my sexuality is guided by some naive premise that as soon as I do some hot guy will gaze at me across a crowded pub, will walk over to me, pull me close and kiss my intimately. It won’t happen! To be honest I doubt whether I will ever find that guy. My expectations are too high. I dare to think guys are hot who are well out of my league – mostly because they are straight. God, I would just love to experience a romantic relationship with a guy who 1) is beautiful and is everything that I love in a guy 2) Who finds me attractive and who wants to do anything in order to please me, because he loves me.

Currently I am sad. I am so lonely. My head is fucked because I dont know if I should come out or whether my expectations of coming out will come crashing down and it will be nothing but pain, disappointment and rejection. All I can say is that I live with this internal struggle and I want to know what it is like to simply start living as me.

Right now I am hurting, one day I hope that the healing will take place.

3 Responses to “You can’t heal until you have been hurt.”

  1. shewalksinbeauty Says:

    I wish I could help you, but I can’t even help myself. I know I’m strong enough to, but I just can’t.

    I’m married and I’m lonely. You are single and lonely.
    I’m confused because I don’t know where my heart truly lies.
    You are confused because you do.

    I’ll be here to support you…I’m pulling for you to come out on the other side stronger and happier…

  2. kate Says:

    that’s tough

    I’m also bi and also single but i don’t think i’d like christmas even if i was in a couple

    hope it gets better for you soon everything changes and everything passes

    maybe leave coming out till you feel stronger/ more centered…

    just a thought

  3. Ryan R Says:

    I had a pretty bad holiday, too. Ironically, I was feeling incredibly well heading into the holidays, but add a little Xmas cheer to a recent divorce and things will happen. I tried filling my time up with sensation and noise and color and that distracted me a bit but ultimately I did several things I’m very ashamed of. Desperate for touch I went to receive a professional asian massage which soon became nothing more than my first sex for money. I’m not the type of person that has to pay for sex, or at least I wasn’t until now…but I needed something, some touch, some feeling and as the night grew older and darker and young single people, male and female, seemed to disappear, going back to their families for Christmas, I grew desperate, fearful, and lonely.

    I know how you feel. This is the loneliest time of the year and I really despair of ever finding the man or woman that will complete me. Now, I feel doubly unworthy of any love or completion.

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