Sometimes.

December 21, 2006

Sometimes I am not interested in guys.

Sometimes I am not interested in girls.

Sometimes I am not interested in sex, full stop.

Sometimes I wonder whether it is because I have not found the right guy.

Sometimes I wonder whether it is because I have not found the right girl.

Sometimes I wonder whether this is my own ‘thorn in the flesh’ much like the Apostle Paul had.

Sometimes I think that there is no way that God could exist otherwise he would not leave me in this fucked up state.

Sometimes I wonder why my head, my heart and my sexuality are so fucked up.

Sometimes I wonder whether this will simply be my existance, one that is damn hard, everyday.

Sometimes death is not an enemy who I fear but a friend who is welcomed.

Sometimes I wonder ‘why me?’

6 Responses to “Sometimes.”

  1. shewalksinbeauty Says:

    S~

    My heart goes out to you each and every time I read your blog. If ever you need someone to talk to, you know I am here for you, if even just to listen to you be confused. I was going to put up an entire post dedicated to you, but decided I would comment instead.

    It is ok to be confused, to be unattached, to be disinterested, and disillusioned, but if there is anything a friend can do to help, please don’t hesitate to lean on them in your times of need.

    I will try to email you later…

    Chin up, I know it is hard….

  2. Al Says:

    If it is your ‘thorn in the flesh’ it will surely make you stronger. I have seen evidence in you that this is true.

  3. Scott Says:

    Shewalks – thank you so much for your comments, you have been a true ‘long distance’ friend even though I have not been in touch much due to the whole Christmas, busy, thing.

    Al – cheers bud. I once heard a saying that went along the lines of ‘whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger’. Right now, I aint sure that this is the case – time will tell huh!

  4. Jeff Says:

    Hey Scott-

    I found your blog through Al’s, and I drop by once in a while to check it out. This last post of yours really hit home with me, as I go through this turmoil quite often. With that said, I can’t really offer any help, but thought it might make you feel better to know that you are not alone in all this. On the plus side for you, if and when you meet up with Al, you will have a great person to lean on and help you sort things out!

    Hang in there…..
    Jeff

  5. Sue George Says:

    There’s no law that says everyone has to be interested in sex all the time – it may be that you haven’t met the right person, it may be that you’re just not in the mood at the moment. If life feels bad, then that can be a sexual turn-off! Also, this is a terrible time of year for feeling crap when everyone else seems to be having fun.
    It will get better. Really.

  6. Ryan R Says:

    Why are you fucked up?

    As a bisexual man, I know I’ve asked myself a similar question.

    I think we overestimate the likelihood that any real balance is out there. There is no truly balanced state, there is no fulcrum for us to stand completely firm on. I don’t believe there is a way to be, an Eden for us to return to, a magic bullet that will solve everything.

    When there is no objective balance, how can one be balanced? You are a cocktail of a million ideas, cells, events that all came together to form you. One left out could alter who you are right now. If you call that thrown out of balance, so be it. One small item could make a whole different you. If YOU ARE a truth, than you are always in balance and greatly imbalanced from the point of view of the individual that you could have been but never was! You’re balanced enough just in the fact that everything came together just right to make YOU ARE. I think a more worthy aim is to find out who we are and not whether we are balanced or not. For, depending on the point of view of being, we are certainly both.

    I think you are searching for who you are in a very inspiring way…..this blog is one of my favorites and a tremendous effort. I know I derive a lot of comfort from it, as many of your ruminations echo my personal experience.


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