Archive for January, 2007

My coming out e-mail update…

January 29, 2007

So, a few days ago I e-mailed a friend in order to tell him about being bisexual. It has taken me a while to give an update as, to be honest, I needed space.

The response from my friend was brilliant, he sent me a text message to say that I should not worry about it, that people should not judge me and that this is 2007 and not the 1800’s. This was fantastic, I was so happy, pleased, relaxed etc and he told me that he would never judge me. It was so good to get this text message. However, then the aftermath took place.

Ok, it wasnt really an aftermath but, for me, it was sad. After regularly texting each other, meeting up and long conversations at the gym all of this stopped. Going out for drinks stopped. He avoids me at the gym. He even invited others out in front of me but doesnt invite me out. If I am honest it is painful as fuck!

I think this lad is great, his response over text was fantastic but his reality didnt match up. This lad is a ‘lad’, he hangs out with ‘lads’ and he said he wouldnt judge but in some ways I feel that he has and it feels like a dynamic that was in our friendship has gone. A friendship which I miss, dreadfully.

Part of me is hoping that he has simply been rocked a bit and then, in time he will settle and everything will fall back into place. For a while I started to text him a bit, I wanted his friendship back and would just text random things but when he didnt text back it was painful. I have decided to just chill out, to stop texting him, to not chase his friendship but to just allow whatever happens to happen.

I miss this friendship and I have learnt a few lessons as to how to handle my ‘coming out’ in the future. I am still gutted over this, he is a great guy.

World I am so fuckin’ scared!

January 22, 2007

Everyone, I am so scared like butterflies not simplye doing summersaults but violently crashing against every side of my stomach in a vein attempt to get the hell out of there. Why am I currently panicking like crazy? I just e-mailed a mate to tell him that I am bisexual.

It was just something that I really feel had to be done. I haven’t know this guy for ages, a few months, but we have been getting close, not in a romantic way but just as mates, he has a girlfriend. I dont particularly fancy him he is just a really decent guy. Somethines in me just knew that it was time to tell him but I have no idea how he is going to respond, whether he will still be my mate afterwards or whether he will have any respect for me at all and to be quite honest I am panicking like crazy.

I needed to be truthful with this guy, I need to be honest, I needed to tell him like it is because if I didnt, well it just felt like I was hiding something and I didn’t want to hide anything from him at all. I wanted to be honest. But where does honesty lead? I dont know. The worst that could happen is that he could ignore me and never speak to me again, if that was the case I would be really hurt, he is a really decent guy, he is a friend that you want in your life because you know he will be 100% there.

Obviously the question looms that if he is not 100% there for me after I have told him this information then it could be questioned whether he is a real friend and many people would ask that. However, is it that simple, honestly, really. He may feel awkward having a mate who is bisexual, he may not ‘hate’ me for it but it may hinder him being able to be friends. There are many issues, he may be worried about whether I may fancy him, which is fair enough, I don’t but do all hetrosexual guys who hear that a guy is gay or bisexual automatically think that this person MUST fancy them? I don’t know. I am trying to figure all of this out.

My heart and my mind are racing. I am finding myself praying to a God that I am only starting to believe in, once again. I started praying that God would make it all alright that this guy would be cool about it and that it would closen our friendship and then I changed my prayer, possibly a bold prayer. My prayer was that if this guy is meant to be a mate then he would be, if this is someone who is not meant to be in my life then that would be the direction that this ‘friendship’ takes. Letting go is so hard though.

I am scared. I am scared of being hurt. It feels like this is a minor part of a bigger picture as to what life may hold for a bisexual guy. I don’t really want that life, but tough, it’s mine. I have to deal with it.

I will update you! Fear grips me…

Back to hollywood

January 18, 2007

Some of you more regular readers to this blog may remember my ‘challenge’ to another british bi-blogger back before Christmas, you can read all about this challenge: A challenge & end of chapter. Al replied and said that he would be happy to go on a date with me. We had to prospone this date until after Christmas, we have been talking, e-mailing, texting and mostly flirting since then and this week I recieved the following poem in my inbox from Al.

Now,
I think,
I ponder.

Life;
feelings;
I wonder.

Will I throw it away?
Will I screw it all up?
Will I lead it all to squander?

No.
I won’t
I cannot.
Hell, with this life and the chances I’ve got?

Fear?
For sure.
But strength, I have more.
The barriers must fall and courage must pour.

So,
heed clear:
me and you:
we’ll make this happen and meet as two.

And I may screw up,
I may cause you pain,
I may be annoying,
I may be a strain.

But,
I care,
so I’ll learn.
Try to be the man that you yearn.

And if I fail,
or it was never meant to be,
at least this way; at least we can see.

If it doesn’t go right,
or if something goes wrong,
I can fight back tears;
I can stay strong.

Whatever happens,
I’ll never regret
boarding that train.
Knowing we’d met.

You know,
I’m not without doubt.
But perhaps that’s what this is all about.

Maybe we’ll meet once,
then a girl will catch your eye.
You’ll lose interest in me,
and I’ll not know why.

Maybe I’ll realise,
I need to explore.
About those feelings;
I may need to know more.

Maybe it’ll just be one kiss.
A special moment and something to miss.

So,
who knows?
I surely don’t.
It could be forever, but maybe it won’t.

But it should be once,
at the very least.
Upon your eyes,
mine should feast.

We’ll try it; we’ll see,
learn how it feels as you and me.

But most of all, this must remain fun.
So remember that when I grab your bum!

Isn’t Al just gorgeous? I have much respect for him, his intelligence and his beauty and I cant wait to meet him. We are planning ‘the date’ soon! I need to stop I am swooning! Erm.. hold on… what is a ‘swoon’?

Angels and demons…

January 15, 2007

I am not certain. I am not sure. But I think I saw two angels today, they were both in the gym at the same time as me.

I was on the rowing machine, pulling hard and fast (no comments thank you!) in order to reach my own personal best rowing 2000 meters when all of a sudden my elbow collided with the elbow belonging to te girl next to me. I turned around to say sorry but the actual sounds that came out of my mouth were ‘erm, umph, ohh’ followed by the word ‘wow’ and then I turned red and carried on. My own person best was well out of the window. She was stunning. She had a cute face. She had a beautiful body. She even looked amazing with sweat dripping down her forehead! This doesnt usually happen to me, I don’t usually get so blown away over a girl because sadly I have such high standards that I will probably never ever date a girl and be lonely and single for the whole of my solo-sex future. I ended my rowing and walked over to my mate who said ‘whats wrong?’ I said, ‘I have just seen an angel’.

I had continued with my gym routine and had moved on to the weights and then it happened again, this time I saw him. A bloke, in his 20’s with jet black her and a black vest type t-shirt on, his muscles bulding, he was looking cool, calm, collected and his physic was incredible. I saw a male angel. Angel number two. I wanted to speak to him but didnt. I kept looking in his direction. He kept looking in mine. I wondered whether he thought that I was gay. I wondered if he was. We both kept glancing but that’s all that happened – just a glance.

And there, that’s it. There you have it. My demon. Blokes. Girls. Men. Women. My longing for intimacy. My desire to have a blokes arms wrapped around my body when I wake up. My desire to have my arms wrapped around a beautiful girls body as I fall asleep. Damn. How does this thing work. If I was with either sex then would I just want the other? Would I be happy confining myself to a particular gender if I fell in love or would there always be a part of me missing. One day I want to get married, settle down, have kids, but I dont know whether that would be with a male or a female. My demon wrestles inside my mind. Sometimes I think it would be amazing to be in a male-female-male relationship, all of us, together. In this relationship we would each be comfortable with expressing our love for one another, a permanent threesome, all in love, all trusting, all supporting, wow that would be amazing but, I doubt ever possible.

For now I shall forget the demons, I will focus on the angels.

I don’t want sex. I crave intimacy.

January 12, 2007

Every morning I wake up with the same nothingness deep inside of me. It is a feeling of being empty. It feels like there is something missing. The equivalent would be a jigsaw without the final piece, a day without the sun, a child without a smile, a house without a home. This nothingness is very raw and it’s very real it is a yearning, it is a longing, it is a needing. I feel it every morning when I wake up. It makes it’s self known when I am trying to work and it bangs loudly, heavily and coldly each night as I try to fall asleep, as I try to forget. I long for intimacy.

Sex would not do it right now. The act of sex of course can be intimate with the right connection but I crave more than that right now. God it hurts. I long to wake up next to that special person, male or female. I imagine my lying on my bed, facing outwards with that special someone snuggled up behind me, their hand is across my stomach, my hand lays gently over theirs. A union. Sometimes I cry so much because I want this and often I wonder whether I will ever have it.

To be honest, right now, I want it with a guy. It wouldnt bother me if we didnt have sex. I just want to be his and for him to be mine, just for now. I am yearning to spend my day with him to get into his mind, for him to get into my heart. But, I am distressed, I wonder whether it will ever happen.

The sort of guys that I am into are guys who would make jokes about ‘gays’, they are strong, they have girlfriends, they look cool and stylish and funky, they speak of strength and ooze confidence. I see them. They wrap their arms around their girlfriends, who look up to their tower of strength adoringly. Fuck. How I long to look up to a tower of strength who will want to be my armour.

I don’t know whether this will ever happen. But my heart cries out, painfully for something more than I have right now.

“This is a random question, but give me a blow job?” And a possible regret.

January 8, 2007

What an amazin’ weekend! Saturday night was awesome, I went to town with some mates and there is nothing like it. I went to town with some mates, all lads, they had drunken a lot before I got to them but, being a health freak I don’t like to over-do it. We all headed to a bar and had a few shots and then headed over to a nightclub. There is nothing like it, heading to town with your mates, all lads, all single and all up for a good time, the music is pumping and you just have an awesome time. This night was no different to any other awesome night!

I am enjoying the benefits right now of being bi-sexual and there are many benefits to being bisexual in a nightclub – you can flirt with both genders! So here I am in a nightclub, dancing in a very sexy manner with a beautiful girl. The lights were flashing, the music was pumping and this beautiful girl was dancing with me. Okay, all going amazing so far, however I notice a guy dancing on the stage. This guy was beautiful, he had a very muscular body that was emphasised by a tight t-shirt and he had tattoo’s on his body, he looked incredible and I gave him a few looks, we both glanced in each others direction on a number of occassions. To be honest, I thought nothing of it. It wasnt worth it. He was, just, well, awesome to look at.

The night continues, still dancing with this girl and moving on to one or two others, just playfully. My mate suddenly turns around to me and points to the guy that I was previously looking at and explains that he is a footballer for his favourite, well known, local football team. I hadn’t got a clue about football and so I didn’t know but I did wonder why there were a number of girls around him.

Okay. So over to the interesting bit. The night has continued. More flirting has taken place with this girl and this guy, who I now know is a local football celebrity and I had certainly see him down quite a few more pints. The evening is over. The music has stopped. The lights are silent and everyone is walking out of the nightclub, en mass. So. I bump into this football player in the street and he pulls me to one-side. He says to me, ‘Okay. I am risking everything in order to ask you this. This is a random question but I have been looking at you all night, will you give me a blog job?’. Fuck me. This guy was amazing. He was beautiful. He was damn fuckin’ sexy and you know what. I said no. Why did I say no?

1) I was damn scared. What if my mates found out.
2) He is a local celebrity, if anyone found out it just wouldnt look good.
3) Where the fuck would we have gone? We were in the middle of no-where, really.

I declined. He was gutted. That was it. I went back to my mates and they asked why the hell this local football player wanted to talk to me. I made some bullshit up and as we drove back in the taxi my mind was miles away as I regret the decision that I had made.

Damn. I wanted nothing more than to have this guys cock in my mouth, to feel him push deep into me and to feel his cum shoot down the back of my throat.

I am bisexual and actually, well, I am very proud of the fact.

January 2, 2007

Okay such a title may come as a surprise to you when this is a blog all about fluid sexuality and ‘my world’. Nevertheless, unless you are bisexual or possibly gay I wonder whether you can actually quite understand this dilemma.

You see, somedays guys totally amaze me and I want to make love to a beautiful man. Other days the concept of a guy sticking his penis up ‘the chocolate highway’ (as a friend of mine recently commented on ‘gays’) actually repulses me and I don’t want that. This has been an eternal source of pain and confusion for me.

However, a light has turned on and that light has come in the form of a blogger called ‘puddlejumper’ who commented on my last post;

“My husband is bisexual. He has a theory on the answer to your question as to whether you are “bisexual”

It’s a bit like asking yourself whether you’ve had too much too drink to be able to drive. If you have to ask the question the answer is yes.

You are bisexual. you are attracted to both men and women. Whether you act on it or not is another question and only you can answer that. Whether you can fall in love with a man depends on whether you meet the right man.

Go out there and love people. Whether they are male or female. Open yourself up to the possibilty of love. Take each day as it comes and experience life as fully as you can however that may be. Live each day like it’s your last.”

That is exactly it! I am bisexual. By the very nature of the fact that I am asking that question, I am. However I live out my sexuality is yet to be seen. Nevertheless guys are amazing. Guys fascinate me. The strength of guys. A guys mind. A guys body. Being close to a guy. A guy’s beauty. Seriously, I sit here with tears in my eyes as I think how much the male species just envelopes my mind in a very special way, a way that women do not. Nevertheless, women haze me in a whole different way. I am so humbled to have these feelings for guys and if my feelings for guys could change one particular guys like (whoever that may be) and make him feel like the most important person alive, then I would consider myself, well, blessed.

I read this comment from puddlejumper and the obvious, that is only obvious to everyone else, until something ‘clicks’ became the most obvious thing in the world to me. Men amaze me and thank God that they do. I have always felt second class, like coloured people can be made to feel, like disabled people can be made to feel, even like females can be made to feel. Bisexuality was my disability. Bisexuality is not my disability any more it is my springboard, it is my joy, it is my priviledge.

Puddlejumper, thank you for switching the light on… honoured.