I don’t want sex. I crave intimacy.

January 12, 2007

Every morning I wake up with the same nothingness deep inside of me. It is a feeling of being empty. It feels like there is something missing. The equivalent would be a jigsaw without the final piece, a day without the sun, a child without a smile, a house without a home. This nothingness is very raw and it’s very real it is a yearning, it is a longing, it is a needing. I feel it every morning when I wake up. It makes it’s self known when I am trying to work and it bangs loudly, heavily and coldly each night as I try to fall asleep, as I try to forget. I long for intimacy.

Sex would not do it right now. The act of sex of course can be intimate with the right connection but I crave more than that right now. God it hurts. I long to wake up next to that special person, male or female. I imagine my lying on my bed, facing outwards with that special someone snuggled up behind me, their hand is across my stomach, my hand lays gently over theirs. A union. Sometimes I cry so much because I want this and often I wonder whether I will ever have it.

To be honest, right now, I want it with a guy. It wouldnt bother me if we didnt have sex. I just want to be his and for him to be mine, just for now. I am yearning to spend my day with him to get into his mind, for him to get into my heart. But, I am distressed, I wonder whether it will ever happen.

The sort of guys that I am into are guys who would make jokes about ‘gays’, they are strong, they have girlfriends, they look cool and stylish and funky, they speak of strength and ooze confidence. I see them. They wrap their arms around their girlfriends, who look up to their tower of strength adoringly. Fuck. How I long to look up to a tower of strength who will want to be my armour.

I don’t know whether this will ever happen. But my heart cries out, painfully for something more than I have right now.

3 Responses to “I don’t want sex. I crave intimacy.”

  1. beautywalks Says:

    I cry constantly yearning for the exact same thing. What is to be done about it? Patience? Active searching? Soul searching? I don’t know. I have no idea. I am at a complete loss…sorry, this didn’t help you much.

  2. MK Says:

    we all crave that. it is soo hard to find. people are either too afraid to be hurt, or too closed off from past pain to be intimate anymore.

  3. Bob Says:

    I’m a guy and I crave this. But I aint no strong guy that cracks jokes about gays and plays football. I work out to keep in shape but i dont even like sports. Sigh.. women.

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