World I am so fuckin’ scared!

January 22, 2007

Everyone, I am so scared like butterflies not simplye doing summersaults but violently crashing against every side of my stomach in a vein attempt to get the hell out of there. Why am I currently panicking like crazy? I just e-mailed a mate to tell him that I am bisexual.

It was just something that I really feel had to be done. I haven’t know this guy for ages, a few months, but we have been getting close, not in a romantic way but just as mates, he has a girlfriend. I dont particularly fancy him he is just a really decent guy. Somethines in me just knew that it was time to tell him but I have no idea how he is going to respond, whether he will still be my mate afterwards or whether he will have any respect for me at all and to be quite honest I am panicking like crazy.

I needed to be truthful with this guy, I need to be honest, I needed to tell him like it is because if I didnt, well it just felt like I was hiding something and I didn’t want to hide anything from him at all. I wanted to be honest. But where does honesty lead? I dont know. The worst that could happen is that he could ignore me and never speak to me again, if that was the case I would be really hurt, he is a really decent guy, he is a friend that you want in your life because you know he will be 100% there.

Obviously the question looms that if he is not 100% there for me after I have told him this information then it could be questioned whether he is a real friend and many people would ask that. However, is it that simple, honestly, really. He may feel awkward having a mate who is bisexual, he may not ‘hate’ me for it but it may hinder him being able to be friends. There are many issues, he may be worried about whether I may fancy him, which is fair enough, I don’t but do all hetrosexual guys who hear that a guy is gay or bisexual automatically think that this person MUST fancy them? I don’t know. I am trying to figure all of this out.

My heart and my mind are racing. I am finding myself praying to a God that I am only starting to believe in, once again. I started praying that God would make it all alright that this guy would be cool about it and that it would closen our friendship and then I changed my prayer, possibly a bold prayer. My prayer was that if this guy is meant to be a mate then he would be, if this is someone who is not meant to be in my life then that would be the direction that this ‘friendship’ takes. Letting go is so hard though.

I am scared. I am scared of being hurt. It feels like this is a minor part of a bigger picture as to what life may hold for a bisexual guy. I don’t really want that life, but tough, it’s mine. I have to deal with it.

I will update you! Fear grips me…

3 Responses to “World I am so fuckin’ scared!”

  1. Al Says:

    Hey pal,

    I know exactly how you are feeling, and it worked out well for me in the end. All friends are different, of course, but even if this goes wrong I still think it is definitely worth it. Chances are, though, that it will have a good outcome.

    Email is a rather terrifying way of doing it. It’s easier to hit send than to get the words out face-to-face, but then you have to wait for a response. I told several friends over email and I had to wait a week or so for a couple of responses. You start to ask questions when it takes that long. Has she read the email already and is just not responding? Why isn’t she? Did the email not get through for some reason? Has she just not checked her email?

    It turned out in one case, if I recall correctly, that she was on holiday and not checking emails; and in another case that he was working extra hours so he hadn’t checked his.

    It’s worse than waiting for your exam results!

    So I know that scared feeling.

    You are thinking in all the ways I thought. I’ve thought all the things that you mentioned above and none of it turned out to be an issue except the positive stuff.

    Again, we have different friends, so I can’t be definite how it will turn out for you. But I’m quietly confident!

    I’ve never found that telling a friend something about me to have a negative effect. Usually it is really positive and we grow closer. You’ve taken a bit of a risk, but the bigger risk would be to not take the opportunity to become a closer friend. If it goes wrong this will only hurt you in the short-term. If it goes right, it could enhance a friendship that would last forever.

    Good luck and breath…nice…slow…and…gentle…

    Al

  2. notoriousv Says:

    good luck! i hope this guy can prove to rise above the bullshit and be a good friend šŸ™‚

  3. MK Says:

    been a little while since you posted……. find out anything yet??


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