My coming out e-mail update…

January 29, 2007

So, a few days ago I e-mailed a friend in order to tell him about being bisexual. It has taken me a while to give an update as, to be honest, I needed space.

The response from my friend was brilliant, he sent me a text message to say that I should not worry about it, that people should not judge me and that this is 2007 and not the 1800’s. This was fantastic, I was so happy, pleased, relaxed etc and he told me that he would never judge me. It was so good to get this text message. However, then the aftermath took place.

Ok, it wasnt really an aftermath but, for me, it was sad. After regularly texting each other, meeting up and long conversations at the gym all of this stopped. Going out for drinks stopped. He avoids me at the gym. He even invited others out in front of me but doesnt invite me out. If I am honest it is painful as fuck!

I think this lad is great, his response over text was fantastic but his reality didnt match up. This lad is a ‘lad’, he hangs out with ‘lads’ and he said he wouldnt judge but in some ways I feel that he has and it feels like a dynamic that was in our friendship has gone. A friendship which I miss, dreadfully.

Part of me is hoping that he has simply been rocked a bit and then, in time he will settle and everything will fall back into place. For a while I started to text him a bit, I wanted his friendship back and would just text random things but when he didnt text back it was painful. I have decided to just chill out, to stop texting him, to not chase his friendship but to just allow whatever happens to happen.

I miss this friendship and I have learnt a few lessons as to how to handle my ‘coming out’ in the future. I am still gutted over this, he is a great guy.

4 Responses to “My coming out e-mail update…”

  1. MK Says:

    there is no excuse for treating anyone that way. i dont care if he thinks youre into him, which i suspect is the problem. if i were you i would stand up for yourself. you are a fucking amazing person and deserve the best treatment. you were honest, put yourself out on the line and respected him all the way. all he has done is lie to you, then treat you like youre insignificant; beneath him and his feelings. unacceptable. tell him straight out that you will not tolerate this kind of friendship. that if he is struggling with something he needs to talk to you instead of blowing you off. then tell him if he cant either treat you better or explain whats wrong, then you are done. i know its hard, but you need to stop hanging onto friends who dont deserve your friendship. i used to do that, they dragged me down until i thought i was a bad person because they treated me poorly. it wasnt the truth. it was an issue they had and took it out on me. good luck.

  2. MK – Thank you for your comments, I hear you. Have you ever wanted someone to be your friend so bad that you would actually put up with the things that they do? I have. I do. I really like this guy, he is a decent guy, perhaps he just cannot handle the whole ‘bisexual’ thing. I dont know. It is hard to hear him arrange going out with people in front of me, it is like he is avoiding me at all cost. I don’t want to sound childish about it all. It’s just, well, hard.

  3. beautywalks Says:

    Maybe he just needs a bit of space right now. He may not want you to think that he is coming on to you by being in such frequent contact. It is possible that in another week or so you will hang out again. Remember, you aren’t his only friend just as I assume he is not yours. Don’t be hasty in your judgement. Time will truly tell. Patience is worth it’s weight in gold. You are an amazing man, be patient and I’m sure things will settle back into place. Maybe he wasn’t really concerned with your orientation.

    It seems interesting to me that people have to “come out” at all. It seems that once you have come to terms with your own orientation things should fall into place naturally. Instead of “hey, I’m bi” or “gay” or “lesbian,” it should be “hey, this is Joe, I really dig him and we are seeing each other.” I know it isn’t that way, I understand that. It just seems like there should be a more natural way to approach things.

  4. MK Says:

    i love beautywalks’ last paragraph. it is exactly what i was thinking. people are just people. what sexual orientation they have should not be an issue. it would be like introducing me and saying i like bdsm at the time. its no one’s business. its just part of who i am, and i can share or not when i choose to and it shouldnt change what ppl think. but alas, its not the way the world works.

    i know its hard, and you can want to be his friend all you like. there is nothing wrong with that ever. but my point is: dont let yourself be walked all over. you deserve good friends, bottomline.

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