Healing the inner man

February 7, 2007

In this blog I often write about blokes, how I feel about them, what they mean to me and sexual encounters that I would like to have with them. Every time I have had a sexual encounter with a bloke, afterwards I have always felt like I didnt really get much out of it. I see blokes as strength and security which is something that I need in my life, however, recently I have been thinking about women.

Here is the deal. When I was younger I was bullied at school, bullied quite badly. I was never good at any sport and so I never played it this naturally left me feeling like I was not in the ‘in crowd’. In my head a division occurred, a them i.e. ‘the boys’ and then ‘me’. This is a huge issue in my head, it is a seriously big deal for me. I probably see myself as a ‘non-entity’. I exist. This was further added when I was in a relationship with a girl who never looked up to me, she never respected me, she never showed her love to me, it was a hard and painful relationship for us both and it ended. This further made me feel inferior as a guy. I didn’t feel that I could be that source of strength, love and protection. I wanted to be the guy that a woman looked up too, wanted to be with, wanted to hold and love ‘her man’. I have never felt like this and so, in a way, I suppose I have looked for it in a guy. I have looked towards a guy being my strength, my love, my support, my anchor, in some way me being the girls role – although I am not camp at all.

Over the past few days I have honestly pined for a woman, for a girl. I have been around some mates who have girlfriends and the way that these girls look up to them and respect them is incredible, the way that these girls want to be with them is awesome and that’s a position that I find myself wanting to be in. It is almost a ‘friends’ type scenario. In fact the lives of the TV programme, ‘Friends’ is the lifestyle that I would love to have all round, mates who hang out together and relationships with girls that are awesome… I know… it is simply a TV programme.

I don’t want to resign myself to never giving myself to a woman because in my own head I have defined myself as being bisexual. In any case, whether it is a relationship with a man or a woman I look back and see how this inferior feeling of being a lower class of male has affected me and I want that to change both for myself and for any relationship that I encounter.

I go to the gym and see people who I see as being ‘blokes’ and I look in awe and wonder and hence the attraction but if I was ever in a sexual situation with them I think I would wonder afterwards why I did it. I think I am more attracted to what I would like to be rather than who I want in bed and I know that I need to start seeing myself, me, as a bloke… sounds confusing.

I am not saying that I am not bisexual but these are thoughts in my head that come together as I look back over my life and I realise that I need to focus on healing the inner man.. whatever the hell that is!

8 Responses to “Healing the inner man”

  1. Al Says:

    Okay, if you need me to pee on you I will; but I’m not going to wear a dress!

    Seriously though, if you find a nice girl make sure she doesn’t mind me occasionally coming round to play with her boyfriend.

  2. Scott (aka fluid sexuality) Says:

    Lol. Al, you know as well as I do that these are just thoughts. Thoughts are good for the soul!

  3. beautywalks Says:

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…Threesome.

  4. Al Says:

    “Al, you know as well as I do that these are just thoughts.”

    Oh. Probably a good thing you pointed that out to me!

    Beautywalks: good idea!

  5. Scott (aka fluid sexuality) Says:

    Of course it’s just thoughts, thats all I seem to do.

    Beauty: Thanks. This time that aint the answer though!

  6. beautywalks Says:

    It was a joke, Scott. I’m deeper than you give me credit for. Besides…Al got the joke.

  7. Beauty: of course I knew it was a joke 😉

  8. Al Says:

    What joke?

    Anyway, stop thinking. That’s all I do too, and you are supposed to be bringing me out of that.

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