He said yes.

I offered a challenged. Al said yes. Read Al’s reply here.

I have read his reply about a billion times (okay, exaggerated to make a point).

I am trying to find the words to tell you exactly how I feel right now. I can’t. Sometimes, just somtimes a feeling goes on inside your body that words fail to describe…

Dear Al: A challenge & end of chapter.

Dear Al,

You know, I have been at the gym all afternoon, my head has been full and I need to end this, in my own mind at least.

During our past few posts & comments there has been some playful flirting. I have enjoyed it. Thank you.

However, the deal is, when I made that comment about kissing you, I made it as I was thinking about you, personally. I was thinking about my lips caressing yours. I was thinking about our tongues dancing together. I was thinking about my hand gently touching the side of your face as time stood still and we got lost in one another, no maps, no compass just exploration. It was you, in my mind, as I wrote it.

Okay so it’s a bit forward to say that I want that kiss to happen in real life and I would never ever push for that. However, I would love to meet up with you, to take you out for a meal. I would love to talk to you. I would love to learn from you.

So, here is my offer. At any point in time, from now until the end of time, my offer is that I will meet you anywhere in England and pay for a meal, for us both.  This would be a public place and once the meal is over we both say goodbye. This is my offer to you. I dont expect a comment. I dont expect a reply. This is a challenge that I mean but it signifys an end of chapter for me. I have to throw a line out in the water, see if there is a bite and if not, let it go. I am scared about doing this and doing it so publically but, it is something that I have to do.

There is no pressure, as always, just admiration.

Scotty,

AKA Fluid Sexuality.

Well, you see, there is this boy…

At the moment I am 100% confused. Imagine taking out your brain, having it thrown around like a rugby ball and then afterwards a spin in the dryer and then putting it back in your head. Have you grasped as much as you possibly can how that would feel? You have. Well thats pretty similar to where my head is at right now!

Okay, to tell the story. I started this blog after coming across the superb blog of another bloke, in his twenties, Al from BiJourney. As I read more and more of Al’s blog I just started to really enjoy his mind. I wondered what Al would be like. I wondered what it would be like to sit down and have a meal with him. I wondered how exciting it would be to get into Al’s mind. To hear his thoughts. To hear his dreams. To hear his passion. To hear his desires. I simply dreamed about this. This is a random feeling, it is not that I am thinking that I want to get into Al’s pants, it’s well, more than that, I want to get into his mind. I want to get to know him. To respect him. To be a strength for him. And if something happened out of that it would only be the ice on the cake, it would be the unexpectedly winning the lottery feeling, it would be the surprise Nintendo Wii console in my Santa sack this Christmas, it would be all that and more.

I continued to enjoy Al’s blog and was mesmorised by the innocence of a picture of himself that he posted, entitled ‘Exploring’. The innocence of this picture was beautiful to me.

I was hooked. I loved the mind and the more that Al shared of his own experience, of his past and a little bit of his life story the more I was both intrigued, amazed and happy.

Let’s speed up to yesterday. Al posts a blog called, Growing out of homophobia, which I replied to saying;

“Please allow our lips to tenderly touch as my hand gently holds the side of your face, my tongue slides in and explores you intimately, delicately and passionately… you may like it

This was good stuff Al.”

Well Al’s response took me by surpise. Al’s initial response went along the lines of;

“Oh my god! That comment actually made me go weak at the knees. No guy has ever done that to me before. And certainly nobody I’ve never met. How the hell did you do that?”

According to Al, this was only the start of the effect that this little comment had on him and a full blog was posted on by Al as a response to these comments, this post was called Spellbound by a Comment.

This made me feel really fuzzy inside, the fact that I could have this affect on someone. Of course I realise that it was simply the comment that had an affect on Al, not me, because he doesnt know me. As far as I know Al hasn’t got into my mind through reading my blogs, in the same way that I have been in awe at his comments.

So, the confusion. I doubt anything will happen between myself and Al. As far as I know Al I respect him. I would love to go for a meal with Al and just talk and talk and talk. I would love it! However, I understand that there are too many factors at play that will hinder seeing this happen.

However, I wonder, in general. Is it possible to meet someone online, have feelings for them and for that to actually develop into something in real life? Is it even right to take things further with someone you have met online? I know heaps of people who have met people on the likes of MySpace and have met up with them in person. But is it worth it? Is it different in a gay / bisexual situation? I know that people can come across how they want to online – is it actually worth wondering whether something could happen with a certain person or is it best to just put it out of your mind? I dont know.

For now, with Al, I think he is great. I shall be following his blog. This post of mine is an attempt to convey my confusion and the fact that my mind was spinning all yesterday evening, all night (I couldn’t sleep!) and once again this morning. This is not an attempt at a subtle message to Al. He knows how I feel. And this certainly isn’t a Lonelygirl15 staged and scripted online scenario in order to gain more hits to the blog. Something, literally, just happened. Whatever it is that happened I will never know but it was a moment that I enjoyed.

Being the master of my sex drive.

On the 1st December I wrote a blog that kicked up a bit of a fuss, the blog was entitled, ‘Animal Insitinct & Illicit Encounters’ . This blog explained a sexual encounter with a guy, that I recently had in a public toilet. One particular response from ‘DJRAPTURE’ challenged me and led me to think a hell of a lot over the past few days, thinking about my actions.

I will be honest, the encounter that I had was exciting, it was passionate, it was thrilling and I damn well enjoyed it despite the fact that the context of the enounter i.e. a public toilet was not the most romantic. However, DJRAPTURE got me thinking about a number of things:

Thing I was made to think about number one:

A few days before the ‘encounter’ post I wrote a post about how I am looking for intimacy, about how I dream of a relationship that is fuelled by love, intimacy and respect. I was forced to wonder whether this encounter, which was basically about me being the slave to my sex drive, was in the best interests of both myself and that future person. Was I really respecting myself, despite the fact that I enjoyed it? If I am really honest with myself I wasn’t respecting myself. Yeah it was a quick, exciting, passionate encounter but was it in my best interest? No. I don’t think it was. I dont want to be someone who is ruled by my sex drive. I want to be ruled by a desire to pleased my partner, in every way possible. I appreciate that we have our own sexual needs, our own sexual desires and sometimes we just get so damn horny but I believe that true love is all about loving each other and meeting each others needs, as this takes place our own sexual desires are met. THAT is what I am after.

Thing I was made to think about number two:

I risked my health. I have no idea what std’s this guy could have had. Was the few minutes of excitement really worth risking the future of my health? No.

Thing I was made to think about number three:

I am just starting to understand and explore my sexuality. I could not help thinking how I would respond if a bisexual guy came to me and explained to me that he had the encounter that I did. How would I respond? You see, it is easy to convince myself that the encounter was okay because the guy was damn hot and because it was sexually satisfying. But the truth is that if a guy came to me saying that he had done what I had done I would encourage him not to do it again and indeed I would aim to inspire him to explore his sexuality in the context of a loving relationship.

I have no idea what could have happened. This guy could have raped me, abused me, he could have done any number of un-nice things and I wouldn’t want anyone to risk themselves in this way.

My conclusion is that I want to work on being the best person that I can be, both for myself and for who-ever that is who I end up with. I now understand that sometimes this means putting guidelines on your own life so that you all aspects of your life are happy and healthy, not simply so that you can have exciting sex.

So, lesson is learn’t. I am going to work on being the master of my sex drive. I am not saying that this would not happen again, I am a human being. I am going to work hard at this not happening again. I am also inclined to say that there are some envinroments that are healthy where people can explore their festishes, their sex and their desires but a public toilet with a random guy is probably not the best way to explore this.

Animal instinct & illicit encounters

Last night I talked about how I was bored of pornography, how I wanted something more. I have also mentioned in this blog of how I am sick of one night stands, that I want something more. Today I learnt that the human mind is fickle and sometimes you just have to go with what you have to go with.

Okay. Picture this. So, here is me. (You dont know who me is. erm. about 6 foot. Blonde hair. blue eyes. Sexy body. Big cock – you got it?!) Picture me again. I am standing at a train station somewhere in the World. I had just been to the toilet and I was standing outside of the toilet pretty much wondering what to do with myself as I had to wait another half hour. I was standing, pondering what to do with my time (Should it be a Big Mac or should it be a beer?) when my eye caught a beautiful figure of a man. He was in his twenty’s. He was tall and had an athletic body. He was wearing baggy jeans and a baggy jumper. He had a rough looking face, but sexy rough, manly rough and I was in awe. He was walking towards me, not looking at my at all. His body oozed confidence. He had a magnetic attraction. What happened next astounded me and I dont quite now how it unfolded but I will convey the following events as best as I can. This man walked straight past me but it was as though his body was urging me to follow him. Remember we hadnt looked at each other, no signal, no words. It was as though our bodies were just pulling on each other, pulling to be close. Fuck it. I followed this guy into the toilet. We both stood at the urinal and my heart was pounding. I was wondering what the heck I was doing here. I knew that I wanted this guy but I didn’t know whether he wanted me. I didnt know how this would move forward. My heart still raced. I was excited. I was damn scared.

This man walked into a cubicle with the door unlocked and left slightly open. Damn. Did he notice that I had looked at his cock? Was he annoyed? Was he just going for a pee and then he would be out. Would he wait outside the toilets to beat me up. The urge of our bodies said different. What if I followed him in and got punched. I wasnt sure about toilet fucking etiquette but I still felt his body urge mine closer, in the same way that the sun draws my body to it’s enticing rays. I was entranced. Something came over me. I followed him in. No sooner had I walked in the door was locked behind me. His face was close to mine and he started kissing me neck. I melted. He was kissing my face, my cheeks as his hands went up my jumper and he felt his way around my body. I froze. I knew I had to get into this. I knew I wanted it. Still no words. I put one hand on the side of his face and pulled his lips close to mine. People were talking. I couldnt hear them. I was lost. We kissed passionately, his hands exploring my body. My hands were on his firm ass, pulling him closer. Our bodies were communicating in a language that I am only beginning to understand.

He undid my belt as he gazed into my eyes. My jeans were by my ankles. My dick was not only hard, but throbbing. This beautiful man started kissing my chest, moving on to my stomach and stopped at my cock. He was kissing and licking my cock before he took my cock into his mouth. He was pushing my cock deeper into him. He was wanting me to deep throat him as he pulled my body closer to him. The feeling was intense. The feeling was insane. Here was me, in a public place getting a blow job by a guy I haven’t even spoke to. A beautiful guy. His tongue was exploring my cock like the tongue of a choco-holic as it explores a chocolate lolly-ice. With every lick my body trembled. Once again he took his cock deep into his mouth and my body tensed, we both knew what was coming and he got himself in position. His hands were wanking my cock. His mouth was just below my cock. He was waiting for my cum to be released. I wanted this moment to last but literally couldnt hold any longer. I came. I came all over this guys lips and as soon as I did his tongue was licking the cum from the tip of my cock and the smile on his face was as those he was licking the sweetest honey produced by the finest bees. It was amazing.

As soon as he finished licking up my cum the door was opened and he was gone.

I closed the door behind him. Locked it. I sat down. My head was rushing. That was the scariest and yet most exciting experience of my life. I didnt know his name. No words were said. Our bodies spoke. I was sad that he was gone.

Back to the title of this post:

Animal instinct

I was amazed how this encounter had happened. There were no signals, no signs. It was though our bodies wanted to me and they had too. Our bodies had to encounter one another and my logic and reason was forced into second place. This is not like me. Well, it is not like me right now when I long for that someone to be with, when I am bored of porn and one night stands. It is not me. But, for this moment in time, it was me. It was animal instinct.

Illicit encounters

There are many questions rushing through my mind. Was this wrong? Was what I did immoral? Is it dirty? Am I know some pervert who engages in dirty toilet sex? It sounds wrong. But something happened, it was so natural. Is this any different to a guy meeting a girl in a nightclub, taking her home and fucking her senseless? The atraction is there and you just go for it. Is this the same, or is it different? I dont know.

I enjoyed this encounter very much, in fact I have jerked off on it again since I got back. However, there are now so many questions that I will be asking myself. I think this blog may just get slightly more interesting!