Bisexuals – an inferior species?

What a weekend! I will tell you the whole story:

Kinda freaked me on Friday. A mate of mine was on msn and he basically said that he thought I was gay – he wasnt being harsh, homophobic or anything else, he was just explaining that he thought this. To be honest this really fazed me. I am trying to figure out my own sexuality without trying not to place myself under any label. I didnt know how to respond because I am trying to figure that out. It’s fluid.

 Current thought process of sexuality: A bi guy who does not want anal sex either giving or recieving.

I didnt want to tell this guy that I wasnt interested in guys, I didnt want to lie to him but I didnt want to be labelled as gay, because I am not. I was shocked. I didnt know how to respond and this created an awkward silence between us, for about a day. On Friday I basically explained to this guy my feelings, again over msn and he was cool with it.

Forward to Saturday, out with the lads. I just got a bit sick of it to be honest. There was so much banter about homosexuality – this wasnt aimed at me or because of what this other guy said it is just their lad attitude. They were commenting on everything from gay sex to being derogatory about others, e.g. ‘He is so gay’. It wound me up. It probably wound me up because I am moving forward in at least mentally exploring my own sexuality. Anyway, point is, I hated the conversations, I hated the way it made me feel. I felt like a freak. I was shocked.

Why was I shocked?  I felt inferior. I felt like they were the blokes, that they wanted to ‘shag’ women. They talked about sexual positions, about cumming on girls faces, about what their fantasies are. When conversation arose of a homosexual nature I felt second class. I felt like I lacked worth. I was inferior. I felt like a second class bloke. I resigned to just being quiet as I tried to understand it all.

On reflection I have realised that I have felt so comfortable just talking about my sexuality, exploring my sexuality and trying to understand myself more. I have been comfortable and secure in reading other people’s blogs, reading their stories and experiences as we follow a similar journey. I have found a place, a ‘home’ and this has helped to indeed relax and explore. I have realised, however, that this has made me too comfortable to the point that I was shocked at the conversation of my friends. It made me realise that as I explore these issues I need to guard my heart. I need to protect myself.

I still feel inferior and I wonder whether I always will feel that way. I wonder whether I will ever truly be able to explore my sexuality.

On the plus side, I was dancing away with a girl on the stage at a nightclub. She was hot. She got me hot. We kissed. We kissed again. We kissed. We danced. We exchanged numbers. She was nice. I really, really, really enjoy kissing and I love playing around as I kiss. I loved teasing her as I touched her lips softly with mine. I then altered the pressure as my tongue slipped into her mouth. I took control as I placed my hand on her face, gently. I pulled her body close to mine and teased her as we kissed. It was awesome. People were dancing around and we were in our own little world, a brief new world as we collided together for a brief moment in time. I was secretly so pleased when she pulled me close and told me that I was a great kisser. She even text me the same thing again this morning. I love kissing. I love it. I want to do it again, now. I cant wait to have that intimacy with a beautiful man. 

Don’t get me wrong, this wasnt an attempt to feel ‘manly’. She was just nice. Probably wont meet again. The kissing made me happy.

We stayed at the lads house that I have previously talked about – the guy I want to kiss. I stayed in the same bed as the guy who said he thought I was gay – so all was cool there!